SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I don’t even know which section this belongs in, so putting it in general.
We have two little kids (2 and 5). They are difficult and sleep badly and sleep with us a lot. Our sex life is pretty much non existent. I’m pretty sure he isn’t attracted to me anymore, though if I ask he says he is. He hasn’t initiated sex in a long long time. It makes me sad. In all other ways he’s amazing, he does lots of little things for me daily. In the past I discovered he was messaging other women. He’s promised he changed. We went to therapy together, I had individual therapy too, she told me he’s doing so much and he had a difficult childhood and basically I need to be patient with him. I want to work on the trust. I feel I don’t trust him.
Fast forward to today and I used our family computer to buy a friend a birthday present and the magnifying glass with the name of chat room appeared when I started typing. I’m crushed. I have no idea how old this is, it looks like he searched for it. I haven’t asked my husband yet. I feel I’m going to get the same shit of him being defensive and denying it until I say something like ‘if you tell me the truth, there’s a chance we can work through this’. I haven’t processed any of this yet. Spent the day with some friends of ours. I think he can tell something is up. I don’t even know where to start with unpacking all this. The idea of leaving is scary. The idea of staying is scary. We have a mortgage. Shared finances. 2 kids. I live in Spain and in his town, his mum helps with childcare. I don’t know what I’m looking for but I need to just put this somewhere and tell someone.

Connection happens between emotional and physical intimacy.

If your partner is not initiating with you but with other women, then your intuition is telling you what is going on.

He is not perfect, he is making it transactional, people pleasing you with small things and directing the energy you need in your relationship outside.

And he is lying to you when you ask.

Don’t allow to be gaslit and don’t keep your emotions compressed.

You will be heard here, you can share and that alone should already help you to gain clarity and reclaim your agency, but you will also find suggestions and support

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 9:55 PM, Sunday, April 19th]

Have you read any of Minwallas secret basement material?

My spouse likes to be seen as the good guy. But if you are up to no good behind closed doors then you are fake. This will impact on self esteem and connection.

I have just found similar and I know he will gaslight me. So it’s close to my chest at present. While I process and ponder.

Can you manage to keep this to yourself and try and find more evidence? So you cannot be gaslit.

You need no reason to leave. I don’t want to be with you is sufficient. Can you try and get yourself in a better position so you feel more in control.

My situation has made me realise how devious and unkind people can be. And how much they think things are okay - as long as no one knows about it. It’s sad really.

Hope you are okay op. How you feeling? What does he mean by patient with him?

Girls I understand the need to find evidence, but truth is you know already all of that, you don’t really need evidence to confront, I tell you what is going on from my experience:

We know our partner is cheating, betraying, unfaithful in whatever way they are doing it.

Our alarm system already spotted enough red flags 🚩 to make our guts go " something is up ".

We want to see the evidence because our mind is playing the game of " please please prove to my logical mind that what I know being true is not, that all my senses are deceiving me and you are not, in fact, stabbing me in the back ".

This hope gives rope to the cheater to gaslight us. Because we already know, but we hope against reason that we can be proven wrong.

What I am saying with this is:

You don’t need evidence to tell your cheating husband to fk off.
If he wasn’t he would have no problem to open everything up and let yourself gain peace of mind.

You got gaslighting and accusations. 99 times out of 97 means he is lying. And yes that number I mean it as %.

You can confront him with your feelings and intuition and that face off will give you all the answers you search for.

—-

Different is if you need evidence for responsibility in separation and divorce and that’s allowing you to be secured financially.

If that’s the plan then by all means don’t say a thing until you gathered it all.
Leave him butt naked in the middle of a street, because it’s well deserved. He can always sell himself in chat rooms that turn him on so well, to pay your alimony.