SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I haven't been here in a long time and things are still not going well between me and BS.

I admittedly haven't done well at rebuilding trust, having a few months ago secretly gone through her phone (I didn't find anything). I didn't come clean and admit what I'd done, I sort of threw it at her in an argument and she was understandably upset.

The last few weeks have been pretty awful in particular. Arguments happen, I keep getting accused of lying even when I'm not, she floods and ends up saying she wants a divorce. Then a few days later we make up, but both more hurt then before. I keep telling her to not say she wants a divorce to then go and change her mind later on - she says it's because she is emotionally flooding, can't trust me, feels I am still defensive and she feels it's the only thing she can say. For context she has developed complex ptsd, which I know is my doing.

There was an incident last week where 2 days after saying she wants a divorce, I got a notification she had logged into my old Facebook. I messaged and asked why as I was confused as we were supposedly getting a divorce. She said she had had a nightmare, needed to settle her gut as otherwise she would struggle to look after and be present for our kids that day. I said that can't have been nice and I gave her the code to log in. But then I sent a message that says "You need to decide what you want, if you want a relationship then you have this access if you don't then you won't have access".

She didn't respond so I tried to call her a few times. No answer so I text saying "Well make sure you let me know when you have finished phishing so I can close the account down again" and then a few mins later "Satisfied yet? Going to be closing it down shortly". Then she got logged out (I didn't do it purposefully), because I tried to log in so I could deactivate it as I worry people will see me online and start to message me - as its an old account I don't want that. She had been logged into my account for just under 15 mins. She text me to say fine then just don't worry and I replied "I'm doing nothing until you talk to me and if you aren't prepared to then nothing changes. You understand what you have just done could be considered as totally wrong. I'm more than happy for you to check it but I'm not doing this dance where you're just snooping through my stuff but then not actually engaging with me ESPECIALLY given you have told me you plan on divorcing me. Don't be getting a grump on with me, I've not prevented you I am just trying to understand what you are doing. Because do you really think you will be having access to my emails and life if you divorce me?". She replied with "No, I don't want to be in this relationship anymore. But the trauma you have caused me is having an impact, and as explained, I had a really awful nightmare last night that is plaguing me. I wanted to try and make myself feel better. You know, so I can continue my day, looking after our children. I'd have thought, just as a decent human being, you'd have been cool with that - not make it conditional. But fair enough, just reaffirms my decision that you're not someone I can be with. A decent human beings response, who wanted me to see the best side of them, would sound more like 'sure, I caused this. And I have nothing to hide. So please feel free and let me know if I can do anything'. I'm unsure where the issue is.
Or maybe it's on principle? I want a divorce, so no access immediately for me? What a great guy". The conversation went back and forth a bit but both generally saying the same thing.

Surely it's understandable that if we are divorcing, she doesn't just get free access to my accounts? I told her it's a boundary to protect my peace and I should have boundaries. We both should.

I could be wrong, but you sound a bit calculated and "matter of fact" like. I sense no urgency to hold space and accommodate her ups and downs.

It's like.... "Do you want a divorce or don't you, make up your mind?"

She likely threatens divorce out of hurt but inside may not really want it. After blowing her life up, why can you not accommodate her ups and downs...until she actually files and a divorce is completed. Some people even file and withdraw the paperwork.

Sometime the betrayed floats leaving to see how bad the betrayer really wants them. How bad they really want to chase them and win them back.

Based on your post, I would not get a good sense that you want to do all you can to sav things, despite her threatening divorce.

Just my opinion, I reserve the right to be wrong.

I admittedly haven't done well at rebuilding trust, having a few months ago secretly gone through her phone (I didn't find anything). I didn't come clean and admit what I'd done, I sort of threw it at her in an argument and she was understandably upset.

What could you have done better to rebuild her trust in you? Why did you feel the need to go through her phone? Was she more upset about you feeling the need to go through it, or was she upset because she was hiding something?

My H and I have open device policies, where we have each other's passwords, access to everything, and ongoing permission to look whenever we want to. Neither of us get upset when the other looks because we usually do not have anything to hide. We had this setup prior to the infidelity issues as well (and honestly one of the things that confirmed something was going on with me when I was cheating was the panic I displayed a couple mornings when I woke up and couldn't find my phone.) I think that this arrangement works well. If we feel the need to go through the devices, we often talk about why that is and try to work on the root cause.

Arguments happen, I keep getting accused of lying even when I'm not,

What are you arguing about? Are you looking for ways to reassure her that you're not lying in a way that is comforting, or are you reacting angrily/defensively at the accusations? Your actions damaged the trust; the former conveys that you're sorry about it, that you care about her feelings, and that you want to rebuild that trust. The latter conveys that a desire to "move on already" from her distrust, like it's unreasonable for her to have it, which can trigger memories of being lied to or gaslit when the infidelity was going on, and worsen the trust issues.

I think a good template to use is a) apologize that you caused these feelings of distrust in her, b) attempt to propose something that would help her feel better or offer whatever proof you can, and c) ask her if there's anything else she needs or that you can do to help her feel better. This might help her not flood so badly that she threatens divorce...

Though I think you are within reason to request that if reconciliation is still on the table that she does not make empty threats of divorce in the heat of the moment. Recovery and reconciliation are hard for both parties; it's extremely demotivating for either to think they are expending all this energy and effort into a marriage that the other doesn't even want. Empty threats of ending things just shoot the reconciliation process in the foot.

The "D word" is not something we use lightly in my marriage, even if we are at each other's throats. Even as rough as things are right now, we are still both focused on repair. D is the last thing we want and we would never threaten it without seriously considering it. Big no-no.

I also think any discussion of removing access to accounts needs to be done when both of you are calm, not when emotions are high, because if she is already triggering and trying to self-soothe by looking through your stuff, leveraging her D threats to hurry her up or to rescind that access just makes you look guilty (even if you're not) and worsens her trigger... So what if people start messaging you? Respond to them or don't, whichever is appropriate and suits your goals.

This is a sincere question

Do you want to stay married?

What I read shows an astounding lack of empathy and care. Your wife is obviously still hurting and you respond to her like that?

I did something about 6 months after I ended my affair which really opened my eyes.

Try looking at things from your wife’s point of view. I mean really look. How do you think she felt when she caught you snooping when you’re the one who cheated? How do you think she feels when you get defensive?

Empathy is something that many WS struggle with, myself included. If you are done with the marriage, fine. But if you love your wife and want to save this marriage, walk a mile in her shoes. Then another mile. And another.

What I read shows an astounding lack of empathy and care. Your wife is obviously still hurting and you respond to her like that?

I don’t read lack of empathy tbh. Being threatened with divorce on a regular basis is… eroding. (I am not saying underserved / fair / not fair, etc.).

I second Morbs’ comment.

Regarding your question: in theory, if she says she wants a divorce, she shouldn’t still expect access to your accounts. However, in reality, the answer very much depends on your long term desired outcome. If you wish to stay with her and overcome the storm, you may need to let this boundary go (while you navigate the storm)