SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I do not want to tell you in any way that your experience isn't your experience. I do want to write that your story isn't by any means over yet, and you don't know what the future - even the rest of today - will bring.

Being betrayed is traumatic. It takes time to recover, and some traumas are so horrible that recovery is hard to come by in any case.

But you can control yourself. Your sparkle may need action by you to come back. Time alone hasn't been enough up to now. If you're stuck, I urge you to find help - you may be able to bring it back.

It took my sparkle, my joy, my calm, my sense of self. I never felt like the same person again.

Oh my darling Grace - your sparkle was NOT anyone's to take.

That being said, you can reclaim your sparkle. Your sense of self. Your joy. Your calm. I promise you can. And with the potential for them to be stronger and bolder than before.

SPARKLE - go get yourself some. In whatever form works for you. What gave it to you before? Do more of that. Put on the pretty lip gloss even if you just running errands. That lacy thong - wear it under those sweats. Going to the gym - why not add that amazing headband just because. You do special things for YOU that make YOU feel sparkly. Keep doing them. Even if you just aren't feeling it. Be your own sparkly special occasion.

SELF - Spend time with yourself. Take yourself to the gym. Go on long walks/jogs/bike rides. Take yourself out for coffee. To the library. Window shopping. Anywhere. Spend time with YOU again. Rediscover an old hobby. Find a new one. Take that class you've always wanted to. Learn to decorate cupcakes. Learn to fence. Learn to do arial yoga. Try that recipe you've always wanted to but never got around to. Something fun and new and exciting and you've always wanted to try.

JOY - This one can be challenging. But eventually you will find it comes out in short bursts. Funny baby animal short videos can produce a smile for a fleeting second or two. Spending time with animals of any age is good for the soul and they can elevate your mood. Taking time to appreciate a warm sunny day, the first daffodils of spring, soaking up some sun on a warm day. Think the old school "take time to smell the flowers". Your joy won't come back all the sudden. It may look different than it did before. But you may find yourself having a fleeting smile more often than you used to. Build on that.

CALM - whew this one was hard. But start with the basics. A long soothing soak in Epsom salts. Practice your box breathing. Practice your grounding exercises when things get overwhelming. Close your eyes and count s-l-o-w-l-y to 10 or 15 or 20 or 100. Find a soothing scent and wear it - have a sachet handy to breathe in when needed. Long drives with audio books. Yoga or old school stretching exercises. Find a good counselor. If you are religious attend services - if not spend time in nature. Spending time in nature is good anyway.

This will take time. This will not be easy. It will be worth it.

but it's something like my specialness, my positive life story.

And

We don’t talk about it….I still don't really understand how or why he did the things he did

Here’s some starting points, lots to unpick here. Perhaps a good therapist with the right questions and compassionate challenges to help you unpick (and grieve) any assumptions and unuseful beliefs could help you see and appreciate your sense of new-you, your learning along the way and post traumatic growth in various directions. There can be a lot to celebrate but depends how and where you are looking.

[This message edited by Edie at 11:50 AM, Thursday, March 5th]

Your marriage or relationship is only one part of "who you are" and should not be the basis of your view of yourself or your life.

Yes affairs destroy our self esteem and store our confidence. But there is the opportunity to re-group and repair ourselves to have a life well lived in spite of the affairs and trauma.

My grandmother was widowed 3x. Each husband was better than the last and she was blessed. But she could not have known her life would be blessed in such a way after my grandfather passed away. She was very fortunate to live the life she did.

But what made her life so special was that she was happy — kids, grandkids, great grandkids, her siblings — all had a special place.

Life is what you make it. And my best motto is "the best revenge is a life well lived".

I'm sorry I took so long to reply. I recall that in the depths of all this I wanted desperately to talk and talk and all the people here were my lifeline.

In the aftermath of it all, I almost completely cut human contact. I stopped speaking to everyone, cut off my closest friends and that never changed. I just find talking hard now.

So I guess that's why I took time to reply here. Also why I couldn't do IC now.

I formed a really strong bond with dogs. They just feel easier nowadays.

I do love my H. I love my son. I don't want to seem ungrateful for those things. I am.

The thing is I suppose that "healing" isn't something I want. I mean before this I had experienced significant trauma in my life and handled it with courage and healed.

This was different.

It went on too long. It went too far. The damage to me was catastrophic and I guess that's the part I can never fix.

I can visualise that woman, frozen on the kitchen floor that night in disbelief and the real truth is that I couldn't protect her from everything that was going to happen to her.

So I feel like it's important I don't leave her alone because everybody else did. She's there, forever frozen in time and while I can't save her I can sit with her.

I don't really think about rage or meanings of stuff anymore. It just is what it is. It just so happens that the stuff done to me over a long period of time was specifically stuff I wasn't going to survive intact.

Right now I have just resigned my job. I loved my job and it was my place of solace and escape. I really did give everything to this job, as if it were my own business and then sadly my boss hired in someone new who he had a close personal relationship and to cut a long story short completely betrayed me. It was genuinely bad to a point colleagues are texting me really shocked, so I had to resign.

I now feel the grief and loss of a lifeline and something important to me, but also clearly the betrayal wound is opened up. Different person. Same knife. People just cannot be trusted.

I would have liked to have been one of those people who got a killer body and joined clubs and lived her best life but honestly I just didn't have it in me.

What I was capable of is being someone who endured. Someone who feels bad all the time but still always shows up for her kid. I do everything I can for him and I'm determined that he's supported, loved and safe.

I guess this is a depressing post.

I'm not depressed. I mean, not a clinical thing. I'm just a very sad person.

My friends daughter died last month of cancer. She was only a kid. I don't undergrad life so well anymore.

You are all good people. None of you deserved what happened to you. I'm glad for those of you who made lemonade with your lemons.I'm awed by the kindness of this community. I'm sad for the folks on the "just found out" section.

Grace believe it or not how you feel now is dead center how we all felt when betrayed.

I know the abyss seems unique because the mind soul and body can’t fathom this void could be existing elsewhere, is just to horrific of a thought to bear.

But it’s a trick of the mind, yes it’s like you described and yes every single person who was betrayed knows it well. Some are still falling, some are climbing out, some made it out.

I can tell you that once you get out of the abyss you are not anymore afraid to fall in again, you have seen the bottom and you already know what lies there.

And the answer is you.

The primal you, naked of fears, fantasies and hopes, just the original energy and drive for living and existing.

The falll you feel is the judgement of your ego toward yourself bashing you and telling lies, you are falling because you are undeserving, unworthy, replaceable.

It’s bullshit but it is a painful one.

All the bad things you claim about yourself? Yeah been there, done that. Everyone here has, and they can tell you.

Not only betrayed partners but also wayward partners experienced this. The wayward escape it through betrayal, running into a fantasy that seems compelling and saving, demanding to sacrifice their betrayed partners by pushing them into the abyss first, as a replacement sacrifice.

In reality reformed waywards can tell you they are just digging a deeper abyss for themselves and they run straight into it, they didn’t save themselves, they doomed their life to a worse fate, even if it is delayed compared to the bs’s fate it is much harder to climb up again for them.

What your wounded ego is doing right now is ensuring that it’s prophecy is self fulfilling:

What you need to heal is not to hear, is to be heard. So it tells you to isolate and shut up.

You need to see yourself as the person you were always meant to be, so the ego tells you that everything is bad about the true you, and you have no chance, if only you were like…"insert ego projection/ fantasy "… but you are not, so no hopes for you.

Understand the game you’re being played by your ego?

The same game is being played by the ego of a cheater to excuse their choices, different but identical.

And do you know why this twisted game?
The ego is self preserving itself at the cost of the real you.

Because the ego is a projection you creates of how you imagined yourself to become, to belong and be accepted. And since the ego knows only itself, that projection cannot be wrong, if it did not work the fault is yours, it’s creator, not its wrong fantasy.

And so it leads you to bash yourself, because your nervous system knows this feeling as safe and familiar, even if it’s drowning you into a sea of sorrow.

And it has to, because the moment you are rejecting the ego’s voice and whispers, the moment you are realizing you are you, you can’t be anyone else, and that’s perfectly and beautifully ok and deserving of love and to belong….

The fucking ego dies. And you are reborn.
No thoughts or overthinking, just existing here and now, like you were as a child but you forgot how to while growing up and building your ego mask.

I feel you need to speak about your own feelings right now. That’s why you get shushed and isolated by your ego.

And you suffer, no matter what you write, it’s evident.

Now like it happens to waywards taking the first step to break their cheating patterns, do you want to break your own pattern?

Unless you feel complete happiness for the way you feel currently, not just the comfort of familiarity, you should give it a try.

Start with simply learning how to speak and opening up, even just here. There is zero need of rime or reason or logical flow, is just letting your contained emotions out, you’ll see immediately how that changes everything.

You already know where the ego path leads, since it tastes like shit I encourage you to take a bite of a different cookie.

You already started with your posts here. That was the hardest. Just keep going and you’ll let me know later okay?