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I ask this with as much sensitivity as I can: why are you meeting with her and her parents together?

Only you know the dynamics in play there, but as recent as all this is, and as vague as your wife has been about what she wants, I would be leery of this meeting being more than just you and her. She is their daughter. You are not their son. I'm not assuming they will defend her, but it is a possibility and can really complicate this situation.

My wife has agreed to talk through this with her parents and myself this evening

You may want to record this conversation. Waywards have a habit of trickle truthing and changing their stories. A verifiable record of what she actually says may help keep you grounded if she attempts gaslighting down the road.

I second the PI. Best money you will spend. What that will do is possibly give you source of info and it will certainly put sunlight on whatever this is.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 6:18 PM, Tuesday, March 3rd]

The 1st Wife - well, eventually you figured it out and were able to make it work for you. You're a good role model! I think without immediate consequences and setting immediate boundaries, the whole thing just festers and the BS falls further behind, and our positions becomes weakened. I think there needs to be an immediate strong response and setting of our boundaries because the cheaters will take advantage of any weakness because....they want to continue cheating. Frankly, someone who tells me they need time to figure out whether they want to be with me or some anonymous gym rat....does NOT love ME. That is obvious to me and to try to think otherwise is hopium. To hear that, I would know that I am NOT Number One. Either he's Number One or the position is open to debate. No marriage should be open to debate. If your spouse does not automatically pick you, the marriage is dead, IMO.

YD - I hate to say this but I'm gonna anyway. Talking to the parents is both a delaying tactic and her seeking allies who will support her in a marital fight between you and her. This doesn't need to be discussed with the parents, what the hell is that supposed to do. She should KNOW that she should not be cheating on her husband and you should be NUMBER ONE, which you clearly aren't if she needs "time and space". Don't talk to her parents, you are putting yourself in enemy territory. She's doing this because she thinks she would have control over it and it will probably become 3 against 1 even if they're nice to you. People almost always side with their own kids.

You need to go see a lawyer and file for divorce and let her know that you are not putting up with this shit, parents or no parents. This should be YOUR DECISION based on YOUR self respect and what you will accept in a marriage and her parents have NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS.

I think talking to the parents whatever it seems like at first, is a mistake, and it's only going to put you back. She probably has already talked to her parents. This is a SET-UP, IMO. Get that STD test too. This is not the woman you think you know, you are in a different land now. Take charge personally of the situation, don't let her "set up" ANYTHING. She already fucked up by fucking up.

Also, while it is good advice to tell the other spouse if you can find her, it's not a solution to your problem. Your problem is not the AP and his wife, yes telling her might cool AP's jets, but you still have the problem of your wife. YOUR WIFE is the problem. She is very disrespectful of you and very uncaring of your feelings, your marriage and what happens with your son. That's only on HER, not on his wife, not on her parents....on her and what she has been willing and what she wants to continue to do. You have to make your own position absolutely rock solid and perfectly clear because she will try to take advantage of any lee way or any weakness that you show. IMO, you need to show her an action directly from yourself, and to me, that is going for a divorce. I know you don't want it, but....do you really even want to be with someone who treats you like this? Who has to THINK about whether shew ants to be with you or some married gym rat - your wife has no respect for marriage - yours or HIS. Is this what you want? Is this relationship acceptable to you? Only you can answer that or how much or how long you are willing to put up with this attitude and this treatment. YOU SHOULD GET MAD.

I think the situation depends on how YOU handle it at this point and that will set the tone for everything going forward. DO not be manipulated by other people or get distracted. This is about YOU and your values, feelings, ideas about marriage,etc. You do not have to put up with this shit for ONE DAY. Now, yes, she could say, okay, let's get divorced - if she says that.....you know where she really DOES stand and what you mean to her. That's a clear answer. If she tries to say she'll stop it....well, I'd continue with the divorce until I felt convinced of that because....she'll probably try to take it deeper underground. You can always stop a divorce filing up till the end so filing is not the same as BEING divorced, it's a clear intention though, and it's real action.

So yes, you can contact the other spouse if you can, but she may not believe you or want to hear it anyway, or she may just be like, yeah, this is what he's like, he's no good. Or she may lay the hammer down, who knows. But it's not going to change the essential problem which is that your wife wants to cheat on you and she can find someone else. You're not Number One to her and that is what must be addressed and fixed, if it can be.

DO NOT TAKE SHIT OFF ANYBODY. PEOPLE WILL ALWAYS GIVE YOU AS MUCH SHIT AS YOU ARE WILLING TO TAKE.

You're not wrong. I'm scared for my son. I'm scared to have my life change so negatively. I don't know where I will live. I just am so numb, so tired from not sleeping...I just feel empty.

Hang in there. We've all been there. One day at a time. Take care of you. Understand that you will get through this. We all did! Sending support. You did nothing to deserve this pain. Talk to friends if it helps.

Yellow doxie - that's why you should talk to a lawyer. It's natural to feel as you do now. Most people do, it's scary, terrifying even, overwhelming, painful, sad, and a lot of other things. But so many people have been through this and come out the other end and you will too. One way or another, With her or without her. And you'll be fine either way. You can't force someone to love you or be with you. It has to be her choice. The reason I tell you go to a lawyer as soon as you can is so you can get objective information and advice about what you can do about this. When you stay in your head or just listen, even to input from others, like us, or your wife, whoever, it's all various streams of talk, that can be confusing and conflicting. What matters is someone who knows what they're doing and what the law is, and how you should handle this and what you can do - and can't do. This gives you power, something real you can act with. Knowledge really IS power. Also, a good lawyer can be very reassuring because they have seen so much of this. They can predict a lot of things just based on what they've seen. They can tell you what to do and what might be pitfalls. I think that help would be good for you. And if you have a good friend you can confide in, or relative, who can stay quiet, that might help too.

I want you to get some of your power and agency back in this situation and I think the best route for that is a lawyer. I think it will be reassuring for you and give you the best ideas of your options.

Good luck, and keep posting here. We all care.

And she can sleep on the air mattress.

I'm scared for my son. I'm scared to have my life change so negatively. I don't know where I will live. I just am so numb, so tired from not sleeping...I just feel empty.

In all of my years on SI the one thing that never ceases to amaze me is just how hard infidelity hits people. We all know how you feel, brother. Just keep in mind that you will recover from the shock. It just takes some time and self care.

Get some exercise. Go for a long walk, jog, bike ride or hike. Nature is healing.

Having trouble sleeping is perfectly natural at this point. Try a mild OTC sleep aid. If that doesn't work, consult your doctor.

Fear is also a natural reaction. Take it one step at a time. Consult a lawyer or two, even if only to educate yourself. Knowing your legal status and options can ease your mind.

I would absolutely refuse to involve her parents at this point. You are only a son-in-law but she is their daughter and most parents will back their daughter. Cancel the conference and talk with your wife one on one. I see absolutely no benefit for you to involve her parents in a discussion about her affair

In fact, I could see this easily going against you. The three of them could rally together against you and they could say you were verbally abusive or acting irrational or anything really

A truly repentant spouse will do anything to save the relationship. Do you think your wife is at that point?

Yellowdoxie wrote:
You're not wrong. I'm scared for my son. I'm scared to have my life change so negatively. I don't know where I will live. I just am so numb, so tired from not sleeping...I just feel empty.

You've gotten a lot of very solid advice so far. I'm just going to reiterate a couple of things as they related to my situation.

My wife is currently one of the very few who showed true remorse relatively early and really rolled her sleeves up to do the necessary work to repair the damage she did to our relationship. She conducted a short lived affair and had 3 trysts over a couple of weeks following about a month or so of hidden communications with a co worker.

I was lied to, gaslit, talked badly about behind my back to her friends and family, and treated like shit for a couple of weeks after I found out. While she didn't attempt to meet up with him again, she refused to stop communicating over messenger and phone with her AP (affair partner) and still worked at the same location he did. "You don't get to tell me who I can be friends with!" Yeah, because they were "just friends" at that point. It was awful.

I spent those couple of weeks blaming myself and kissing her butt, basically doing the pick me dance to "win her back" and convince her that I was the better choice.

It got me nowhere. She had all of the power and held all of the cards.

What turned it around was me finding my balls and refusing to live in infidelity any longer. I did a 180 and stopped the pick me dance. I told her she can see or talk to whoever she wants, and if she wanted to continue having a relationship with her AP she was free to do so. Just not as my wife. I told her I refused to continue living like this, called and set up appointments with a couple of divorce lawyers and started calling real estate agents to look into selling the house. Right in front of her.

That changed everything. She broke down in a way I'd never seen her break down before. She literally begged me to not go through with it. She sent AP a NC (no contact) message, blocked him on everything, and put in for a location transfer at work. Then she messaged friends and family and admitted to rewriting parts of our marriage, made some very bad decisions, and that I wasn't the bad guy she portrayed me to be. She started counseling to work on her issues and has been a model wife ever since. That was almost a year ago, and she's been very consistent with no slip ups, backsliding or bad decisions every single day, every minute ever since for the last year.

I think we're going to make it out of this quagmire, and I can say that our relationship is better in many ways than it was before.

The reason I've shared this with you is to reinforce some of the advice that has been given. Do NOT do the pick me dance. Just don't. I've been here for a while now, and not only was it my personal experience, but I've yet to see it work out for anyone else who's come here. You have to draw a line in the sand and determine that you're not going to live in infidelity anymore.

I don't know what your wife may or may not do if you follow a similar tack that I did. She may call your bluff. If she does, don't backpedal. Be prepared to follow through if you draw that line. Backpedaling on it will just blow up in your face. I know divorce is hard. I get it. It really sucks. I did not want to do it myself, but I realized there are worse things than divorce, and for me, living in infidelity is one of them. I refuse to share my wife with anyone and would rather separate than put up with it.

Talk to some lawyers. Find out what your options are. It's likely not as scary as you imagine it might be. It was somewhat liberating for me, just knowing I'd made a decision and was prepared to follow through with it. Living in limbo sucks. At least this way you'll know where you stand. It's already been said here that you can pause or cancel the process at any time before it's final if she comes around and convinces you it can be repaired, and it will demonstrate to her that you're done with the shenanigans and you will advocate and stand up for yourself.

Do try to contact the OBS (other betrayed spouse). She deserves to know, and as a side effect might apply a lot of pressure to your wife's AP. That won't stop her from finding someone else, but it might put the brakes on the current affair and give you some breathing room to collect yourself.

Take control. If reconciliation is possible it needs to be on your terms, tho she needs to take the lead on fixing herself and demonstrating to you she's all in and you're her first choice. As Sisoon often says, the betrayed spouse heals themselves, the wayward spouse heals themselves, then when the both of you are in a better place you work together to heal the relationship.

This is going to be a long, hard road either way it goes, but it starts with you taking your agency back. Refuse to live in infidelity, no matter what that path looks like. Take care of yourself. Make sure you're getting enough to eat, stay hydrated, and try to get some sleep, tho I know that's easier said than done. What helped me a lot was posting here and writing it all out. There's a lot of combined wisdom and advice that can be offered or found on these pages. Ask questions or even just vent here if you need to. Most of us know and understand what you're going through. We're here to help and support you. We've either been there or are going through it with you right now. Hang in there, it will get better, I promise.

You possess the other man’s phone number and name. Utilize these to gather verifiable information through public and legal means.

First, input the phone number into Facebook’s search bar. This may reveal associated profiles, mutual connections, or public posts linking to the individual.

Next, perform a reverse phone lookup using services such as Spokeo, Intelius, or BeenVerified. These platforms aggregate public records, including addresses, social media links, and background details, often requiring a fee for full reports. Cross-reference the name to confirm matches.

If the affair involves a gym (based on context), examine the gym’s Instagram account. Review recent posts and identify accounts that consistently like or comment on photos. Check these profiles for matches to the name or phone-linked information, as mutual interests may indicate connections.

As part of any reconciliation process with your wife, demand a complete written timeline of the affair. This must include the other man’s full name, contact details, meeting locations, dates, and nature of interactions. State clearly that this disclosure is non-negotiable.

Enforce this as a personal boundary: Participation in the wedding (e.g., as a guest, groomsman, or attendee) is contingent on receiving this timeline. You cannot dictate her actions, but you control your involvement and exposure to the situation. If unmet, withdraw participation to protect your well-being.

[This message edited by Sharkman at 7:43 PM, Wednesday, March 4th]

I'm sorry you have been betrayed. I know you feel horrible. Here are some thoughts for you to consider.

1) You can heal. You'll have to work at it, but you can heal, and you almost certainly will heal. You can lead a good life again, but you may have to say good bye to your W.

2) Healing takes a lot longer than anyone thinks it should. Prepare yourself for 2-5 years before you recover. You won't feel awful for all that time, but it takes 2-5 years to start feeling all one's feelings again.

3) Your decisions about your M are likely to affect several decades of your life. It's worth taking time to make the optimal decision. You do not have to decide tomorrow.

4) My reco is to first figure out if you want to R or D. Both can be decisions made from strength; both can be chosen out of weakness. Don't decide until you do so from your strengths.

5) If you want R, my reco is not to choose R unless your W shows herself to be a good candidate for R. Signs of a bad candidate include: blaming you for her A; lying or slow-walking truthful answers - we call it 'trickle truth' or 'TT'; minimizing her A; not ending contact with her ap; etc.

6) You can control yourself, but you can't control your W. You don't control what will happen in the future. If R is possible, your best bet is to set your requirements, lay them out for your W, and split if she won't sign on or negotiate alternative requirements that are satisfactory to you. R takes 2, and it's a cooperative endeavor.

7) You heal you. Your W heals herself. Together you create a new relationship. But you're both autonomous - don't try to force her into your mold, and don't force yourself into hers. If you're a good fit for each other, a good future together is possible. If you're not a good fit for each other, your best bet is to shake hands and walk away from each other.

*****

Have faith in yourself - to heal, to make good decisions, to realize hopes for a good life.

I can’t remember who on SI wrote this but it is so true…humans are born with the fear of being abandoned. I don’t think it ever goes away. When we lived in small villages with many relatives and friends around, loss was handled by everybody. Parents, siblings, other relatives could prop us up when we needed it. Now we live in our own square boxes that have doors that lock. Our communications are done by texts on a phone. Here we are, a group of strangers, who want to give you the kind of support you should have from your tribe. We are virtually standing beside you trying to give you the help you need by encouraging you. You, and all the bs on here mean something to each of us. We all know fear.
These are your questions. How can I manage? Where will I live? That is why the very logical suggestions you get here matter. A doctor for meds to help with crippling anxiety. A lawyer to give you facts. An IC to help you through the emotional turmoil and, if possible, a buddy. Stay on here. Come here as often as you need.