SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You have to put yourself first. Without guilt. Without regret. Without the "reasons" you keep in your mind to stay in a relationship that is unhealthy.

You need to find a way to give yourself permission to say "I come first".

To me, you are begging for something in a relationship that most of us take for granted. He refuses to communicate. That points to his selfishness or inability to do anything to give you what you desperately need.

I think that your conflict right now is between your head (this is not a good relationship) and your heart (love him).

At the point I told my H I was divorcing him due to his continued cheating was not something I wanted. It broke my heart but I finally realized i had to put my sanity and well being first. We had kids & house & 25 years of life together but the one thing I learned is that I need to put ME first ‘cuz no one is going to do that.

While we have happily reconciled it took a lot of effort and dedication from my H to prove he was worth another chance. We have a very different relationship/marriage now b/c I changed. I am no longer a doormat after 25 years of putting everyone else first.

I understand your love for this person who you view as your world. You would bend over backwards to give him everything he wants:needs. But he’s not able to do the same for you — he doesn’t even try. 🚩🚩🚩

Think about this. You stay together and end up with kids. Let’s say one has a serious medical condition. Do you think he will communicate w/ you on decisions that need to be made regarding care? Or will he shut down and leave you on your own? Do you think it’s fair to leave you as the sole decision maker in that type of situation?

Give yourself permission to do what’s best for you. He’s indifferent to giving you what you ask for. Why is that ok?

[This message edited by The1stWife at 10:19 AM, Sunday, April 5th]

You're finding guilt in leaving the house he bought, but as an observer it seems the house is actually another source of control for him. Does it make sense that him buying the house for you together, whatever promise you think that entails, would bind you to remain under the physical and emotional conditions he creates?

I strongly disagree with the recommendations to try couples' counseling. Couples' counseling with an abuser is risky, generally ineffective, can worsen abuse, can give the abuser new tools, and is potentially dangerous. "Abuse is not a relationship problem." (Reference: The National Domestic Violence Hotline, article titled "Should I Go To Couples Therapy With My Abusive Partner?")

You have made a lot of progress in understanding where you are. Part of that understanding ... maybe the next step ... is recognizing you are choosing to abandon yourself by staying and supporting your H's conflict avoidance on one hand and abandoning him on the other.

IMO, abandoning yourself hurts both of you. Abandoning him helps yourself and may help hi, if he learns he can take care of himself as a result.

Separating does not mean D. My reco is to talk with your IC about separating, and talk to her about the real way you and your H are relating at home.

I’m so used to a certain level of stress and conflict — it was like that in my childhood too — that I probably don’t even fully register how serious it actually is.

Of all the difficult challenges I've faced in my life, unlearning some untruths about myself tops the list. Hopefully your therapist can help guide through a similar process.

We humans are funny that way. We seem to be pretty good at quickly pinpointing others' issues and offering advice, but when it comes to ourselves we wear blinders. That's why when I made my first post I suggested rereading your letter to Jake and imagine your daughter, sister or close friend had written it. I think it's very common for most of us to fail to see some of our own troubles, especially while we're right in the middle of it. I know that's the case with me.

Take it easy on yourself and don't be too judgemental. I think you're on a pretty good trajectory right now. I'm glad you're doing some therapy and reached out to us. It shows you're not oblivious to your situation. I'll echo what some others have said about opening up more to your therapist, tho. Therapy is only effective with a good therapist who has all of the right information to be able to offer the right guidance.

But I also have to face the reality that he is not good for me like this.

Bingo!

This is exactly where I ultimately arrived at too. He can be a good person (most of the time) and still not be the a good fit as your partner.

Ghost, he knows that couples counseling exists. He could propose it at any time, but he doesn't, because he doesn't want to deal with those challenges. I wouldn't bother with it - it's more energy/effort on your part, and dragging a reluctant participant to MC isn't going to give you the results you're hoping for. If he had voluntarily gone to IC and was really working on himself, maybe MC would accomplish something. You begging for it isn't going to help.

Working on the guilt is something you can do on your own time, fortunately. I felt a tremendous amount of it, too, especially in regards to our child and our families, but everyone was very understanding once they learned about his infidelity.

Cheating and physical abuse are two reasons for divorce/breakups that NO ONE will fault you for.

As for the house, he is a grown man with options. He can live in it or rent it out or sell it. That's not your responsibility. It can be hard to let go of that when we've put ourselves in the role of taking care of our partner. Letting go of that mentality (and the associate guilt) is definitely possible, but it does take self-work. Forgive yourself if that's what it takes.

You have the right to seek peace, a life free of conflict and free from the cycles of emotional stress and neglect.

Thank you all again for your thoughtful, honest, and sometimes very direct replies. I truly appreciate the time you’ve taken to read my story and respond.

I hear all of you. I really do.

And the truth is - I know what I should do. I’m not confused about that anymore.

But I also want to be honest: I’m not fully ready to take that final step yet.

That doesn’t mean I’m ignoring reality or going backwards. It means I’m in the middle of it - working through it, processing it, and trying to get myself to a place where I can actually follow through in a way that is stable and right for me.

This is not easy for me. There are a lot of layers - emotional attachment, history, guilt, responsibility - and I’m working through all of that step by step.

One thing I am taking very seriously from your responses is that I need to be more honest and more realistic with my therapist about what is actually happening at home. I can see now that I may have been minimizing things without even fully realizing it. I want to change that.

I’m not staying because I don’t see what’s happening. I’m still here because I’m not completely ready to leave yet. And I want to add, I am sure I am not in any immediate danger. But if course I see what all this is doing to me - mentally.

But I am moving in that direction. And I’m taking this seriously.

I’m working on it...

Ghost.

Ghost, relationship is like trimming a plant, you already know what branches are dry and dead.

Think of the emotional ties like branching.

Severing the sick ones is what allows the plant to flourish.

Sometimes it is not possible or worthwhile to save the plant because the rot just runs too deep.

That’s not the end, you have new seeds you can plant and get what you wanted in a different place, with flower instead of mold this time.

So cut what is bad, you are already doing it