SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I don’t really know where to start….my wife had a very difficult childhood with a whole heap of trauma.

About 8 years ago she started a mini affair meeting the chap over a couple of months and it took over her life and she was a completely different person. When I caught her out we went through a bad couple of weeks where she was insistent that it is over. Then literally she completely snapped out of it - it was surreal. we slowly managed to rebuild. She did the usual minimising and we were just friends etc etc.
Just before this her father was giving her a torrid time and called her fat and other such stuff.

It was no excuse but I really wanted to try and rebuild and move forward.

Fast forward and we have built a really successful life and generally pretty good.
She suffered from panic attacks in the summer while abroad in Florida and I suggested we did some couples therapy to see if there was anything we could do to help as she tried other methods previously.

Our new therapist I think was crap and basically opened Pandora’s box without realising.

At this point, over the last few weeks, she has basically done exactly the same as eight years ago. Attached herself to a chap she really doesn’t match.
She led me quite quickly to find out and now she is doing the same play book of saying she wants it to end.

She is quite clearly in an affair fog and my sister who is a psychiatrist has said that she is not herself and has quite a few issues that she is ignoring.

She is saying it is not the same as last time but it really is.

Apologies for rambling and I might have missed bits.

I know everyone says ‘get divorced’ but it is complicated and to be honest I don’t want to.

I suppose how do I snap her out of the affair fog when she is wanting to end it, rather than me!?

I suppose how do I snap her out of the affair fog when she is wanting to end it, rather than me!?

You mean she is wanting to end your relationship and continue her affair?

She doesn’t want to carry on the affair she has put everything in no man’s land.

So i suppose i am answering my own question that i need to be willing to end it in order to save it.

So i suppose i am answering my own question that i need to be willing to end it in order to save it.

You absolutely do. From what you wrote above, doesn’t sound like you can muster it. If you don’t, you’d be foolish to expect any change from her whatsoever, and the best you can do is learn to live with her boyfriends.

i need to be willing to end it in order to save it.

It's that or just accept her having a boyfriend(s).

It's hard to say without some more details, but it also sounds like you may have rugswept the first affair. Were there any consequences for her the last time? Or did you just forgive and forget and move on shortly after?

As far as snapping her out of it goes, you seem to already realize what you need to do. I played the pick me game for a couple of weeks and all it got me was humiliation. Then I told my wife she was free to pursue the other man, but she'd be doing it as a single woman. I called divorce lawyers and real estate agents right in front of her and started setting up appointments to file for divorce. Once she realized I was serious she broke down and begged me not to go through with it.

That snapped her out of it right quick. She dropped her AP like a hot rock, cut off all communication, transferred her work location, and blocked him on everything. She's been as close to a model wife who desperately wants to save her marriage as one could hope for ever since.

I can't tell you what your wife might do if you do something similar, but your motivation needs to be to get out of infidelity as soon as possible. That was mine, and I was prepared to go through with a divorce if it came down to it. If you do go that route, be prepared to follow through with it. The last thing you want to do is backpedal after saying it, tho you can pause or stop it of she comes around.

Imo, there are worse things than divorce, and sharing my wife with someone else and living in infidelity is one of them. If your wife wants to remain in the marriage then she'll do whatever it takes to make it happen. If not, then do you really want to be with someone who isn't as committed as you are? Spend the rest of your life tolerating her sleeping with other people or acting as the marriage police?

I know this is hard. Infidelity is probably the worst experience I've ever gone through. It's traumatizing. Thats why I had to get out of it. I'm really sorry you've found yourself here. This is a club no one wants to join, but I'm glad you found us. There's a lot of collective wisdom here. Check out some of the articles in the healing library and keep posting here. It helped me a lot just talking about with others who knew what I was going through. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but things will get better for you, one way or the other.

[This message edited by Pogre at 12:16 AM, Wednesday, December 17th]

Thank you for the advice

She has a disorganised attachment style, again, not an excuse at all. I have said this too her.

I presume it’s possible that she is saying she wants to leave as a survival defensive tactic to ‘get away’ with it?

She gives off the impression she doesn’t want to leave and this is exactly what happened last time.

In other words it is probably similar to most stories on her about people who cheat.

Does your wife stop at red lights? Does she manage money ok? Does she keep appointments? I ask these questions because it sounds like you, and others, have decided her rotten childhood gives her permission to act like a child. If she cannot stay away from affairs she should not be married…to anybody.
You have rights. You have the right to expect loyalty from your wife. You have the right to living a reasonably stress free life. When do your rights matter to you?
No means no. No you cannot do this and stay married to me. Seems pretty much a common right.

As long as your wife knows it is up to her whether or not she ends the affair gives her all of the Power. It is in your best interest to take back your power and the only way you can do that is to tell her you are going to file for divorce. How she responds will tell you where you stand with her

I think most BS's do the Pick Me dance for a little while because their entire world has been thrown upside down and the fear of suddenly being alone causes this to happen.

If you use the divorce angle you have to be committed to following through because if she thinks you are not serious nothing will change

Your wife is a cheat.

Dress it up. Call it an accident/ fault/escape.

It's still cheating