SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Under 2 months of DDay, affair #2. My mind says he will never change, he’s not emotionally mature and he’s not really interested in doing any work on himself. He’s gotten pretty good at lieing and hiding. I think he doesn’t deserve me, my loyalty or my love. But here is where I play scenarios in my head, what if I eventually get in another relationship and that person has an A or has other flaws that I’m not okay with. See, I know my WS is a horrible person for what he’s done to me, the betrayal, the lies, the sneaking around and I’m not interested in a relationship with him because of it. But he was a "good" day to day partner. Never questioned if I spent money, if I went with friends to brunch, if I didn’t work, if I didn’t clean, if I didn’t cook dinner bc I was just lazy. He’s doesn’t yell or pick fights. He’s very handy in the home, a hands on and lovable dad to our kids Which makes me think, can I sacrifice my heart/love life, for comfort of the day to day life, for the finances, for my kids, for the life I am able to live daily. One lawyer during consult said, D is hard on everyone and your life will change and be challenging in many ways, are you okay with that? And that’s the dilemma I’m in. I want WS to know, I don’t want him back as a husband, I don’t trust and never will, I see him differently. But I want to keep the life I have, I want my kids everyday! we are currently doing IHS, texting about kids and not much interactions besides kids. He does his own laundry, cooks his own meals, set up the spare bedroom for himself and I have stopped communication regarding A, R, or D. He does occasionally ask how I’m doing, feeling, apologizes and wants a chance but immediately tell him I don’t want to talk about it and he stops. Another lawyer recommended a post nuptial agreement if I don’t D now, granting me assets/properties.
Is this even possible? to choose to live as coparents and not have a marriage. Am I delusional, being unrealistic, or dangerous situation.

No, you're not delusional. You're in the same stage a lot of us go through. You're weighing costs and trying to negotiate your way to a wise decision that you'll feel good with. But the truth is that you're going to have things you wish you didn't lose no matter what decision you make. My STBX wasn't good at a lot of things as a wife during the last half decade of marriage. But I was scared of losing who she was before that. I finally hit a place where I realized all that good of the first 15 or so years was never coming back. That season was over. She was a model wife while she had little kids in the house. They were her world. I was her world. She loved us all and truly loved her life and thrived in it. But then kids grew up, she didn't have little kids to teach to read and tie shoes and feed and cuddle, and she kind of lost her identity. And the identity she adopted after that stage of life was atrocious. It was a lying cheater who sought thrills and got herself into numerous addictions to substances and spending and sex and attention. She was never going back to who she was. A big thing I wrestled with personally, was even after she was so horrible, was I see so many of my "happily married" friends who have wives who just don't trust them and constantly drive on them like they're children needing constant instruction. Nothing they ever do is good enough. And despite all my wife's numerous deal breaking flaws, I was afraid of winding up in a "happy marriage' with someone who wouldn't trust me to be me and handle my own life and felt a need to constantly nag and harass me like I've seen with so many of my friends. I finally decided the risk of that fate was worth losing the cheater and the constant anxiety around "what stupid thing has she done now, how has she betrayed me today.." And I also realize that it's not a guarantee that just because my friends are in situations like that that I'll be in a situation like that. I can make that a high priority I screen for in a next partner. There's other things I'm willing to compromise on that may not mean as much to me as other people. But I get to set my own standards for my next relationship, and you do too. If you choose to move on then you don't need to completely accept that you're losing EVERYTHING forever that your H brings to the table. If there's things you truly value, prioritize those things. I'm really handy around the house and self motivated, and there's lots of men like me. That's the circles I run in, so I know a lot of them. There may be other things they wouldn't bring to the table, but maybe those things aren't as important to you. So yeah, if you move on you're losing your H, but not necessarily everything he brought to the marriage forever. But hopefully you do lose the cheater forever, because it sounds like you know you're not losing that if you stay with him.

My thought is: if you go for convenience - not necessarily a bad choice - how will you protect yourself against your WS's deciding to D? If he falls in love with someone, you may find yourself in the D process by surprise. That would be terrible for you, I imagine.

Thank you Marine, well said.

Sisoon, I know that’s a possibility, as he craves a partner by his side, and when I wasn’t giving him the "love/attention" he wanted he went elsewhere. I know the A is not my fault. I guess my protection would be financial if I get a post nuptial agreement. If he chooses the D path before I did, at least I wouldn’t struggle financially..