SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So my FWH got diagnosed with prostrate cancer
6 years after the affair. Now that our sex life might be impacted by it I got into a trigger spiral. Please know that it’s because I push to take care of him and make him go to the doctor and keep up with his health that he was given an early diagnosis and it’s very curable.

However—-I think of how treatment will impact our sex life and I get angry all over again that he spent time having sex with her!!!

And on top of that "I AM the person who has and will always be the person taking care of him making sure he’s healthy!!

I am reminded how I did not deserve this!!

I am trying with all the goodness in me not to throw it in his face what he did - but it’s difficult.

At the end of the day I want him to get well.

Affairs the gift that keeps on giving.

I’m so sorry for you both. That is tough.

I find that almost every big, negative life event brings twinges of the A for me. I’m 7 yrs out. Major life changes, illnesses, deaths in the family, etc….and I go there. And why not? It was a major negative life event. It will always be a part of my life.

You didn’t deserve this….any more than your FWH deserves to have a cancer diagnosis. Take care.

You’re so right Ladybugman- every major life change. We are empty nesters recently and I went through it the first month!

Same thing happened to me when our son left for college for the first time....and when my brother passed.

The A brought me low with feelings of abandonment from my childhood. It is what our brains to do keep us safe.

And, it absolutely sucks to feel that way.

Take care of yourself.

You carried the knife of betrayal planted in your heart the day you decided to bring him with you to the path of reconciliation, instead of dropping him into the oblivion of the forgotten and completely healing your wounds alone.

This was love and bravery How, of course at mayor bumps in the way the blade will twist and hurts. We signed up for it that day.

You were the person that always took care of him. You are actually the person who saved him from a far greater cancer that this one, the cancer of his soul. She is just a metastasis of that, and long gone, what she had was rotten flesh, what you have is something she could never reach, she is simply not at your level as a woman, as a person.

Giants should not care for bugs too much, it might gross you out when you catch a glimpse, but is still just a bug.

You are really strong, you feel the sting now but you know you already survived the stabbing.
This is not going to take you down.

Dear How,

I know how this feels.

I had a DDay in 2005. My husband was having a PA with an acquaintance of ours.

About three weeks later, he was diagnosed with prostate cancer.

He had stopped having sex with me for about a year, during which he had this affair (and it turns out (I just found out about 2 years ago) that he was also having sex with a neighbor).

I felt angry, demoralized and hurt over the affair.

And now was faced with his possible demise. The result was that we scrambled to "recover" the marriage, essentially rugsweeping.

The focus shifted to life and death.

He had surgery. He fully recovered. 21 years later, no sign of cancer. A blessing.

But he had subsequent meetups with the neighbor, and an EA beginning in 2019.

This go-round, there is no rug sweeping. It has been the hardest thing I ever did, and I thought the 2005 thing was that "hardest thing".

The good news is that prostate cancer is curable, they do robotic surgery that is very successful, and sexual function can be spared.

My hope is that he is cured, and you both can work through the feelings you both have about this diagnosis.

Back from the Storm…you reminded me of something I’ve carried with me through recovery and reconciliation.

We made it out of the FOG and through ongoing reconciliation because AP could never even aspire to my league. Her only specialness, was that she was so broken as to be knowingly willing.

Hang in there How.

Sorry, dupe post

[This message edited by Ladybugmaam at 10:57 PM, Monday, April 6th]

Back from the Storm…you reminded me of something I’ve carried with me through recovery and reconciliation.

We made it out of the FOG and through ongoing reconciliation because AP could never even aspire to my league. Her only specialness, was that she was so broken as to be knowingly willing.

Hang in there How.

Absolutely, beautifully put.

No affair partner can aspire to be a match because they are in a different league. Otherwise they would not be affairs but relationships.

Even when they try to be a relationship they always fail, because it’s broken at the root. You can’t respect the woman you are having an affair with, theirs is no space for honest love in something that has no respect.

And respect can’t live where lies, deception and trickery exist.

A cheater doesn’t respect you, doesn’t respect themselves and above all doesn’t respect their affair partner.
The AP is just a blank slate where the cheater projects their fantasy born of issues, weakness and denial. So they have to be broken. They can be just weak and exploitable people or rotten to their core, they are never a healthy person, because that’s a requirement for the wayward to project their fantasy and override the personality and value of the recipient.

The wayward is weak, incredibly so. they are incapable of doing that to a strong individual, that’s why they choose the kind of people they do as affair partner.

I called the AP a metastasis not to diminish their personal value per se, even granted most often than not they are really shitty people, but that’s not relevant here. The metaphor is about the wayward soul cancer devouring them from inside, the AP is just a spawn and a manifestation of that.

I understand that mindset because I had a similar broken pattern even if I never cheated or had an affair, but I begun to understand waywards inner workings through clarity.

No it is not in your league, your wayward partner is neither when they are in their broken ego incarnation. This is why you and How feel degraded (all we bs do).

This is why I wanted to remind you, your emotions are perfectly understandable and relatable, just keep in mind you aren’t competing with bugs, because they are out of your league in a positive sense. You ladies are giants, your husbands took refuge in a can of worms and feasted on that fantasizing marvelous things…. But they became worms mating with worms.

Nothing desirable there.

And I salute you and all women who stood their ground and made clear what their value is.