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Hello all, My husband and I were talking last night about the difference between reconciling and being reconciled. We have some fairly loose definitions of what those words mean to us, but I’m curious how others understand the distinction.

Do you see reconciliation as an ongoing process—something we continually return to through repair, understanding, and choosing each other? Or do you believe there is a point where a relationship can truly become reconciled, even though growth and repair continue?

I’d love to hear how others think about the distinction as we continue figuring out what reconciliation looks like in our marriage.

It is both.

You may feel reconciled on a given day or a period of days. During that time you could consider yourselves "reconciled".

He may get a serious trigger on a given day and spiral emotionally. My suggestion would be he come to you for reassurance, amends, etc. And IMO you should completely accommodate him. This could be considered still "Reconciling".

Now, IMO, in theory.... if you were to get defensive and annoyed that he brought up his trigger, citing you thought "we are already reconciled", then I would suggest you are further away from reconciliation than you had previously thought.

[This message edited by WoodThrush2 at 5:06 PM, Monday, August 3rd]

My wife and I have had this conversation a few times. Just the other day, in fact. She was considering us "reconciled" and I corrected her to say "reconciling."

It is a fuzzy, amorphous concept. I think reconciliation can sometimes be a lifetime work in progress, but I wouldn't argue with someone who's 5 years out, virtually all triggers are nonexistent and the affair is just a crappy memory with no negative effects on day to day life anymore. If it can be talked about without any hard feelings and the pain is a distant memory that's always a good sign. I do think it's different for everyone tho, and it's not easy to put a time frame on it or point to any particular milestone(s).

I think anything less than a year would be far too soon to consider reconciled tho, and that's extremely optimistic under even the best conditions. 2 years or more is more realistic, imo. But again, everyone is different and people have different tolerance levels.

[This message edited by Pogre at 5:22 PM, Monday, August 3rd]

I don't consider myself a "former BS" yet. I've seen it used, and maybe that's a level of healing that's possible.

If that's the bar for reconciled... I'm reconciling.

Personally, I feel "reconciled".

Thanks, WoodThrush2. I think you bring up an important point about continuing to respond with empathy when my husband experiences pain or triggers. I agree that becoming defensive or dismissive would be counterproductive, regardless of where we are in the healing process.

The only thing I’d add is that I think reconciliation also involves acknowledging the harm done to my husband while recognizing that reconciliation is about the marriage itself. It takes both of us, so while his healing is an essential part of reconciliation, I think reconciliation also includes the rebuilding of the relationship between both people.

Pogre, I think my current thought process leans more toward your model. I currently feel like reconciliation is an ongoing process that eventually settles into something that’s part of our history. What happened never disappears, but it no longer sits at the center of our marriage.

The irony for me is that, right now, this occupies more of my mental space than my husband’s. And before anyone asks, I don’t believe he’s minimizing or in denial. We’ve talked about that possibility many times. He says he’s accepted what happened, is still disappointed and sometimes disgusted by my choices, but doesn’t think I am disgusting. I checked. 😂

This0is0Fine, I’m curious about the distinction here — when you say you feel "reconciled," do you mean reconciled with what happened personally, or that you feel your marriage itself has been reconciled with your spouse while still acknowledging the harm that was done?

Part of why I asked this question is that I think my husband and I may be using the same words a little differently. I think it would help us to have shared goals and a shared understanding of what reconciliation looks like, but I’m still figuring out what those would even be for me. Has anyone ever intentionally sat down with their spouse and talked through what "reconciling" versus "reconciled" looked like for both of you and for your marriage?

[This message edited by NotMyIdentity at 6:24 PM, Monday, August 3rd]

This0is0Fine, I’m curious about the distinction here — when you say you feel "reconciled," do you mean reconciled with what happened personally, or that you feel your marriage itself has been reconciled with your spouse while still acknowledging the harm that was done?

I think the totality of reconciliation is multifaceted. One of the books I wouldn't recommend to a newcomer, but is great for people a little further in is "How Can I Forgive You" by Janice Spring where she talks about both acceptance and earned forgiveness.

I believe I have "accepted" the betrayal (again we have to be careful with words and definitions here) in the sense that I have dealt with the impact and it no longer brings me anxiety. So I've done my own personal work on that. I have also taken the opportunity of therapy to work on my personal issues and grow as a person. This helps with reconciliation for sure.

I believe my wife has "earned forgiveness". In doing what she can to be a safe partner again and demonstrating repeated behavior to earn back trust. The biggest thing here is "transference of vigilance" which she carries to this day. She is more concerned about going on a girls trip, a work happy hour, or the like than I am. She has also done the work to identify her thought patterns that allowed the affair. Primarily she was afraid to share pain or show weakness to me (because of foo), but isn't anymore (because of therapy and improved communication).

My wife and I work toward shared goals for our relationship and for our family. We also take an appropriate amount of time to work towards individual goals or hobbies to value ourselves.

I've been posting for 6 going on seven years now. So I've sort of made it through the 2-5 year window. I think if you go back and look at posts I made in the 2-5 year window, I might have said, "reconciliation is a process that lasts forever" at some point. And maybe that's technically true, but there come point long after the bone wearing time of working constantly at R in the first year or two, to working a little bit at R and coping with triggers, to feeling like you have "done the work" and it isn't about R anymore. Then, you are reconciled.

I think we are reconciled with regard to some things, reconciling other things, and I am still working through grief and anger on other things.

The things I consider reconciled include:

-he has had 7 affairs
-every affair was 100% his choice and not my fault in any way
-the boundaries we have clearly in place going forward, including consequences of crossing those boundaries
-rules regarding how we communicate and repair

Reconciling these things:
-his tendency to avoid and rugsweep
-revealing information without sugarcoating or omitting hard truths
-his acting subservient now, but I just want an equal relationship

Grief and anger still:
-being gaslighted
-not able to believe I know the actual truth because he lied so easily for so long
-his continuing to lie even though he could clearly see my mental state was destroyed because of his lies

So maybe it’s an ongoing process, and certain aspects start moving off the table as they are resolved?

My view (definitely not 'the view'; others have different thoughts on this) from 15 years out:

For me, it doesn't make much of a difference. Does it for you? If so, I recommend figuring out what the differences are. They may be important to you; they may not be.

One way of conceptualizing Reconciling is 'building a new M.' This my main view. The process includes resolving issues, building bonds, (re)connecting with each other, etc. IMO, one aspect of virtually every A is that the WS is not honest about the issues that matter most to the WS, and R includes developing the courage to share one's priorities, concerns, discomforts - and comforts, joys, etc. Initially, the issues are primarily related to the betrayal.

As the A-related issues get resolved, day-to-day issues replace them, and they need to get resolved. The same skills developed in R are used to resolve the day-to-day issues. The process is the same. At the same time, people change over time, so a couple needs to continue to adjust connections to new circumstances.

IOW and IMO, then, R morphs into M. That's why I have no trouble with the proposition that R continues for the rest of a couple's life together. Even without betrayal, life is resolving issues, maintaining and adjusting connections, feeling, thinking....

At some point, some of us declare victory, but life before and after declaring victory isn't much different. It's like a birthday or anniversary - the day is just one day different from the day before and the day after.

Unlike b'days and anniversaries, though, each of us gets to choose when to declare we're reconciled. Each of us gets to and must decide for themselves when they're no longer in the R process.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:11 PM, Monday, August 3rd]

NMI-

Do you see reconciliation as an ongoing process—something we continually return to through repair, understanding, and choosing each other?

As I learned with everything in life, there is no spiking the ball at an end line, especially with ongoing relationships.

Sort of like Sisoon noted, our R became our M.

Choosing our path together every new day is very empowering.

That power kicked in when I let go of the outcome.

So, it wasn't until I was healed up enough to get my feet beneath me to figure out what I wanted from life, much less a marriage.

Just over ten years beyond discovery day, we're at peace, and love is a big part of what we've rebuilt.

I would say IC/MC helped us repair our FOO communication lines (my family overshares, every minor emotion, her family has never talked about anything important -- the weather is as much as they share).

The rest of it was aiming for kindness, looking at what we could give versus take from the other.

That was our R process and now it is our lives.

For me, part of my peace is that I will always hate the A. I will never be glad it is a part of our story.

I can hate what happened and still allow for better, stronger days in the now.

"For me, it doesn't make much of a difference. Does it for you? If so, I recommend figuring out what the differences are. They may be important to you; they may not be."

I think part of my concern with reconciling vs. reconciled is that if reconciled is simply about living in the marriage, then it kind of feels like we are there… and I’m not sure I’m ready for that.

And by "there," I mean life feels normal again. Our marriage is changed, but it feels good. We are happy, we enjoy each other’s company, we communicate honestly and openly, and the love is there.

Right now, I’m usually the one who brings up conversations about affair recovery. My husband is willing to talk and engage with my questions, but he doesn’t seem to have the same need to revisit things that I do.

He feels like his questions were answered and that if anything changes for him, he’ll let me know.

Could he be in denial? Sure. But I’m having a hard time believing that’s what is happening. He has never been someone who hides his feelings well from me. The rage is gone. The need for justice is gone. The intense pain is gone. The triggers are no longer daily. That’s not to say he is completely healed or that things never bother him, but he seems… settled.

We even went through the checklist of the 10 things for the betrayed spouse to forgive from the book mentioned, and he feels comfortable saying he has addressed them.

I should be happy about that, but I don’t think I’m ready to let go of affair recovery being the center of our marriage. I suspect that’s what brought me here now instead of earlier, because I’ve been feeling the shift happening.

I know letting go doesn’t mean I’ll stop doing my own personal work. I still have things to work through.

There is just something that feels safer about being here.

What worries me about moving forward is the possibility that, by no longer viewing things primarily through the lens of affair recovery, I might miss something. That if he starts struggling again, I won’t notice because I’m not actively looking in that place anymore.

I’m not saying I would stop paying attention to my husband or ignore him. I mean specifically that I’m afraid I’ll stop paying attention to this area.

I also wonder if I’m letting myself off the hook too early. Is allowing our marriage to feel happy and normal somehow taking away from my accountability for what happened?

Because it feels like it could be easy to move on, call this the end of this chapter, and make the affair something that is simply "over," though not forgotten.

Is this just what the marriage transitioning looks like? Maybe this is what happens when active recovery starts becoming the marriage itself.

I think I’m just struggling because it feels so opposite of what most people describe at this stage.

[This message edited by NotMyIdentity at 5:35 AM, Tuesday, August 4th]

IMO "reconciled" is achieved after the plain of lethal flatness and when the BS and WS both earn and build the capacity to forgive each other. You will never forget about the affair, it will pop up, but at least it become no longer a negative life impacting burden.

Regarding this sentence....

Right now, I’m usually the one who brings up conversations about affair recovery. My husband is willing to talk and engage with my questions, but he doesn’t seem to have the same need to revisit things that I do.

Maybe your inner person is not sure how he is able to be over it easier than expected? And that is an interesting question. I sort of addressed that in a response to your first post about identity. It was within a development of the idea where I said "details matter".

Maybe you see others in these forums who seem much more impacted by an affair. Maybe you know if the roles were reversed, you would be broken to a greater extent. Maybe your inner being wonders why he is not still more impacted? Does it reflect on how much he valued you or your marriage? Is it possibly he had a fling at some point and this is "equaling it up" in his mind? Or maybe he just has a natural temperament that gets over trauma rather easily? Who knows?

So many questions that warrant probing. Yet as it is so often said, each situation is different. You are doing well to dig deep.

[This message edited by WoodThrush2 at 1:01 PM, Tuesday, August 4th]

Maybe your inner being wonders why he is not still more impacted? Does it reflect on how much he valued you or your marriage? Is it possibly he had a fling at some point and this is "equaling it up" in his mind? Or maybe he just has a natural temperament that gets over trauma rather easily? Who knows?

Well, he has always been the complete opposite of how my brain works. I need to ruminate to figure things out. Then I make a decision, do it, and afterward spend time wondering if I made the right one. It can be very circular.

He, on the other hand, thinks things through, makes a decision, and then just… lives with it. That doesn't mean he rushes decisions. Depending on what it is, he might take days or even weeks. But once he decides, he's comfortable with it and doesn't seem to spend much time second-guessing himself.

So while I'm a little surprised by how he's processing all of this, I'm kind of not.

Part of that, I think, is just who he is. He's a very secure person, genuinely enjoys life, and has a strong belief system that carries him through hard things. That's him.

So no, I don't think I'm really wondering why he's "over it." I think this is more about me not quite feeling ready to move forward. I thought it was fear of becoming complacent or maybe feeling like it's too soon for me to be happy.

But the more I think about it, the more I wonder if that's not really it.

Have I accidentally tied accountability to continuing to suffer? Am I equating remembering with caring?

Maybe part of me believes that if the affair stops taking up so much space in my mind, it somehow means I don't care as much about what I did or the pain I caused him.

Or maybe I'm just integrating all of this more slowly than he is, which honestly wouldn't be unusual for me.

Has anyone else wrestled with that? Not whether the affair is forgotten, but whether letting it become less central somehow feels like caring less?

He would say, "these are great questions to ask your therapist" 😂

Also, WoodThrush2, I should thank you… sort of. 😂

You brought up a lot of religious trauma for me that I ended up needing to work through in therapy. I knew interacting with you was going to be difficult because I automatically project a lot onto people who remind me of certain experiences from my past, and honestly, you didn’t disappoint. 😂

But to be fair, that was my stuff getting activated—not necessarily you being those people. The unexpected outcome was that you gave me an opportunity to practice something I never really got to do as a child: set my own boundaries, in my own time, and trust my own judgment.

So the weird conclusion I came to is that, in a strange way, interacting with you helped me begin healing a part of myself. Not because you changed or because you were trying to do that, but because your presence gave me the chance to take something back.

So… thank you for being exactly who you are, I guess? 😂

Now that’s irony.

[This message edited by NotMyIdentity at 2:12 PM, Tuesday, August 4th]

There is just something that feels safer about being here.

What worries me about moving forward is the possibility that, by no longer viewing things primarily through the lens of affair recovery, I might miss something. That if he starts struggling again, I won’t notice because I’m not actively looking in that place anymore.

I’m not saying I would stop paying attention to my husband or ignore him. I mean specifically that I’m afraid I’ll stop paying attention to this area.

I feel this exact way. I know what to do, and how not to be unfaithful anymore. I know the steps of the process. But I don't want to walk away from this site. I think for me, it comes from a continued distrust of myself-- a fear that if I'm not continuing to think about what I did and how it happened, that I'll let my guard down and it'll happen again. I don't want to forget about it because then my marriage will not be safe. It's also helpful to be reminded to put that lens back in place and look through it when dealing with regular, non-infidelity related marital conflict to see where it's still affecting our interactions... It feels dangerous to make any kind of conclusions about our progress w/ regard to our reconciliation.

I don't know if that helps in any way or provides you with further direction/insight. It's just to say that I feel you.

But I don't want to walk away from this site. I think for me, it comes from a continued distrust of mysel

Hmm… I think it’s not so much about the website itself versus just this stage and period of life.

I’m not worried about continued faithfulness. That’s not to say I’m naive enough to think it could never happen again, but I am confident in what we’re doing and the process we’ve gone through.

I think it may truly come down to equating remembering or focusing on the event with caring. When in reality, I might be keeping my husband stuck living in recovery because that’s where I am… such a complicated idea.

So no, I don't think I'm really wondering why he's "over it." I think this is more about me not quite feeling ready to move forward. I thought it was fear of becoming complacent or maybe feeling like it's too soon for me to be happy.

Your concerns show a good heart. I think it is good to retain the lessons learned to protect you and him in the future. But it is good to return to being joyful with each other. Forgiveness and healing is a wonderful thing.😁

If he ever happens to hurt in the future due to a trigger or who knows what else, keep that soft and remorseful you in a place that can provide the comfort needed.

So the weird conclusion I came to is that, in a strange way, interacting with you helped me begin healing a part of myself. Not because you changed or because you were trying to do that, but because your presence gave me the chance to take something back.

So… thank you for being exactly who you are, I guess? 😂

I am not quite sure how to take that...??? 😂. Even an annoying ass can be of benefit to our self development. I don't really comprehend the triggers you had or historical trauma you experienced regarding religion. I do know that Christ is the answer. His love and grace are beyond our understanding. I do know he forgives even the darkest of sin. I do know he hates sin. I do know he changes our hearts to love good. And I know he loves restoration and healing, and that healing takes time. I don't even know why I just said all those things.

In any case, as I mentioned before, I really wanted to offer what I felt was best for you in the context of each conversation. Did I fail? Of course it is possible. But if I did fail, please in no way attribute it to Jesus. He is perfect and knows exactly what you need at any given time. Be it comfort, correction, chastening, gentleness, etc.

May He guide you and draw you near.🙏❤️