SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My husband and I have been married for 8 years, but the foundation of our marriage has been repeatedly shattered by infidelity and a complete lack of accountability.

The betrayal first came to light during our trip to Thailand in May 2024. Discovering his infidelity broke my trust, but I tried to hold our family together. Instead of genuine remorse or working to rebuild what he broke, the pattern continued. Two years later, in May 2026, he cheated again.

When one of the women reached out to message me on Instagram, his immediate reaction wasn't concern for my pain or our marriage—he was solely worried about his own safety and how she managed to find me. He offered quick excuses, blaming a "rough patch," and then flipped the narrative entirely. When I couldn't instantly forgive him, he threatened to run away and abandon me and our 7-year-old daughter.

We are currently on a trip to Switzerland, which was supposed to be a time to address our relationship, but his behavior has only highlighted the reality of our situation. He continues to pick fights out of nowhere, make snarky comments about my appearance, and praise the other woman's looks. When I attempt to extend kindness—even getting him a thoughtful birthday gift—he meets it with coldness, tells me he "isn't 5," and manufactures arguments so he can walk out to bars, drink, and play the victim. He promises to change or stop drinking, but he has not kept a single promise.

Every phone call and text message now triggers severe hyper-vigilance and anxiety for me. I love him, but I am coming to accept that he only regrets getting caught, not the pain he caused. I am exhausted from carrying the emotional weight of this marriage while he refuses real accountability. I am sharing my story to connect with others who have navigated betrayal trauma, learned to stop taking the blame for a partner's choices, and found the strength to step away and protect their own peace.

I’m going to suggest you get some professional counseling to deal with this very unhealthy situation.

You deserve better.

I’m sorry for your pain and trauma. You need to do what is best for you and your child.

Please continue to post here as you will get great support.

Look at some info in the Healing Library - it will help you to understand what you are dealing with.

Look for posts about serial cheaters in the I Can Relate Forum too.

Sorry you find yourself here. Do try to find an IC trained in betrayal trauma. You have been heard. Hang in there. Don’t engage or argue with him. He will only try and hurt you. When you return home see an attorney to learn your rights and file for D. You have suffered enough. He is a serial cheater who has shown you who he really is. Always value yourself.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:02 AM, Saturday, August 22nd]

Hi, JJ, so sorry you find yourself here.

Unfortunately, it sounds as though your husband is a serial cheater who has no remorse. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.

Gently, he has shown you who he is, please believe him as painful as it is.

So sorry for you, this is horrible. I'm glad that you are reaching out here with the understanding that you need to detach from your husband. He is in a very unhealthy place.

I have been on this site for a while now and read hundreds of stories. And obviously I have my own experience to base this on; you can't reconcile and build a relationship with someone who has no remorse. The only way to maintain a "relationship" with someone like that is to accept that you will be disrespected and hurt repeatedly. It means sweeping everything under the rug until the day you can't handle it anymore or someone dies. The choice will ultimately be yours.

Some people can change their behavior, but that can only come from fully facing themselves and taking accountability for their actions. You have a husband who not only cheated on you, but keep disrespecting you and threatening with abandonment. That is an insanely cruel manipulation tactic. He betrayed YOU. He should be working his off to show to you that he wants to change. He can't demand forgiveness, that is yours to decide if you will give to him or not. But he has to earn it.

You say you love him. But love is not enough to stay with someone who treats you so poorly. I know how hard that is to accept. A lot of people here say that sometimes the only way to save a marriage is to be willing to lose it. I think that is very true. Coming to that understanding puts you in a place of power. I really hope for you that you can find that within yourself, but for many it's a process and it doesn't just happen overnight.

I am writing to you as a social worker. I have no diploma as a therapist but my work has introduced me to every type of personality. Your ws sounds like he does not understand, or even feel, actual love. Sex feels good, flirting, and getting attention feels good so those are what he does. His behavior toward you is cruel, and he does not appear to care. This is how your life reads…he lives on the surface while you come behind him filling in all the gaping holes hoping it will steady your relationship. There is a saying that doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result is a sign of mental illness. That is what bs do all the time. It is hope that keeps people doing things over again and hope takes a long time to die.
You need to be totally honest with yourself that trips to fix a marriage is hope eternal. Your husband’s needs are so out of control the weight of them is going to wreck your health. Get that therapy others suggested.
I think you need space from him. That is why therapy might give you help it whatever you choose because right now you are feeling helpless.

Im so sorry your are facing this. Treason is very very very tough to deal with.

Gently but firmly, as to the title of your post, may I suggest a revision as in, "Realizing I Can't Fix Him & That Only He Can Do This"

See, his failings and moral/ethical void is all on him, not you. Its on him to revise his person, not you.

You need to look after yourself and your own well being and I hope you will invest in good therapy to assist.

Strength to you.

JJ1993 - I hope you're doing somewhat better over this week, I know this is a long term experience with a lot of deep ups and downs. I'm not sure how to word this but I think the emotional reaction to cheating, especially the kind of betrayal as your husband has done, takes a long time to get through and get over. It just does and it also often brings up other echoes of lesser betrayals or growing up or being treated as "less than" before. Perhaps by parents or others who made us feel inferior or unloved. So emotionally, give yourself time to recover, don't put expectations on yourself for how quickly you're supposed to "recover" from this.....it takes time and it takes, IMO, rebuilding our own personalities so we have stronger boundaries and stronger reactions to a bum like your husband. Because that's what he is....a bum.

I am NOT a preacher of reconciliation, in general I don't believe in it after infidelity, I DO think it breaks the essential marriage bond (even the Bible recognizes this as its sole basis for divorce) and shows us what someone IS really like. At this point in time, this is what they REALLY are like, not just what they show us or pretend to be, or whatever. When you see a person who is not just sexually unfaithful, but a liar, a deceiver, an abuser, someone who calls names and makes us feel less, someone who may hit, someone who may steal money or other resources, someone who connives and plots against us....this IS who they really are. It's often, even usually, not just ONE thing....it's a constellation of behaviors that all reveal narcissism, deception, and "I'm the only one who counts." And I don't think we should even attempt to change this because.....who made us the great magicians to change people? We can't. Usually even if we rugsweep these things, they just go on to cheat again....and again. Maybe we catch them, maybe we don't, but.....bottom line THIS IS WHAT THEY ARE REALLY LIKE AND THIS IS WHAT THEY THINK OF YOU. You are of USE to them right now. Maybe. And our natural reaction should be to tell them to GO TO HELL.

I know this can be so hard, may seem impossible when you have children or financial problems, and people often stay for those reasons - or health issues perhaps - but it's important that if one does stay, you realize WHY you are staying and don't have any expectations that this person will ever be better or that you will ever really love or trust them again. Because most of the time, that's not what happens. They aren't and we don't. Give up expectations of what this man can ever be, and enforce your own boundaries of how he is to behave to you and tell him to stop this or leave the room but make it clear you will not tolerate abuse even if you need his resources at the moment. Don't long for what was in the past, because that IS in the past, and that's not really what they're like now. Maybe they never were. These people tend to be USERS, it's their nature, and they often look for OTHER resources when they think they can do better or they get tired of what they have.

I would recommend though that people get out of these situations, these fake marriages, as quickly as they can because these people are generally dead ends. You're not, you need to save yourself. Take care of yourself, eat and drink as well as you can, try to get some exercise, pray if that helps you to be calmer. Get an STD test to make sure you're okay and DON'T HAVE SEX WITH HIM. Just stop this shit. Go to a lawyer and figure out your rights, do this as soon as you can. Focus on practical things, not on your feelings. He's shown you what he is....that's WHAT HE IS. You deserve better. Make sure you know what your financial situation is and keep copies of all records, it's not unusual for them to steal money from joint funds or to make plans like that. The lawyer can probably help with that. Keep copies of any evidence that you have or can put together.
This is a good start for you. Always try to get in there FIRST, you take the offense. Remember YOU are the Queen here, he's just a loser. That's what he is. And don't take him back either, he'll do this again. He's shown what he thinks of you and the marriage, this is a reflection of WHAT HE IS. He can only change himself and he probably won't. He can pretend for a while, but that's it. SOMEONE WHO CAN DO THESE THINGS CAN DO THEM AGAIN - IT IS WHAT THEY ARE REALLY LIKE INSIDE. You need to take the offense here and focus on things to be done to protect yourself and your child and keep him off balance and eventually minimize whatever role he plays in both your lives. Don't try to save this. Save yourself and your girl.

You have been betrayed by someone who is UNWORTHY OF YOU. You will get through this and you will be happy in the future....you just need to get past this abuser and start rebuilding your life without him. People do this all the time and you can too. Have faith in yourself and not in him. Life can be beautiful again and will be once you get him out of your life or minimize his role (because you have a child).