I believed that divorce could have a psychological impact on the children as they grew up with separated parents.
The psychological impact divorce had on 12 year old me when my mother left my cheating father was relief and increased happiness. I'm not saying my life was all rainbows and sunshine, but getting away from the strain and tension I could sense between my parents was a relief.
My wife confessed that she was fairly confident that I would not divorce her, and therefore there would be no real consequences for continuing the affair. She believed that there would be some challenges for a few days or months, but eventually everything would be OK.
This is a very common thought among cheating spouses. Almost all of them underestimate the damage and devastation betrayal trauma has on the betrayed. Your wife is not an outlier.
I keep thinking that she knew I would try to keep the family together because of my beliefs and because of our children, and that gave her confidence that she could continue the affair without having to worry about losing the marriage, its killing me.
Again, this is not unusual. Many wayward spouses harbor this belief and use it to their advantage. My wife included. So imagine her shock and surprise when I finally reached the end of my rope a month later, started calling divorce lawyers and set up consultations right in front of her.
How can I deal with this feeling? How can I move past the thought that my wife knew my weakness and used it to her advantage?
I can't tell you what might work for you, especially since I don't know where you and she are in the marriage right now, but I can say what has helped me.
What helped me was taking my agency back. I stopped letting her dictate how our recovery was going to happen and it started with me making those phone calls and observing her words and actions afterwards.
My wife partially blamed me for her choices and I accepted it. She wanted to maintain contact as "just friends" with her AP after stopping the physical part of the affair, and I struggled with telling her "no." She also thought, based on what she knows about me, that I would never leave. That I would tolerate her shenanigans, be hurt for a few weeks or maybe a couple of months and we'd get back to the status quo.
I didn't want a divorce, but I came to the conclusion that what I wanted even less was to share my wife with someone else, live in uncertainty, and be with someone who didn't understand or respect my pain and what I was going through. Making those calls sucked, but at the same time I felt an incredible sense of relief that I had finally taken back my agency, showed her how much this really hurt me, and that I would no longer stand for her disrespect and callousness.
It was a huge turning point for us. Almost overnight her whole attitude changed, she became very contrite and was willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild our marriage. She dropped her AP like a hot potato, went no contact, blocked him on everything, put in for a transfer at work (he was a co worker), and rolled her sleeves up and began real work proving to me that we had something to salvage. That was almost 17 months ago and she hasn't wavered since.
Note that I said "rebuild" instead of just "fix" or "return to normal." There is no returning to normal after a betrayal like this. I think what might help you is if you see your wife show true remorse and a willingness to do anything it takes to make this up to you. For her to show that she now understands just how wrong she was for making those assumptions and choices. This isn't something a person bounces back from in a few months. It's more like a few years. Generally speaking it can take 2 to 5 years to recover from this trauma, and reconciliation can be a lifetime work in progress. It's never going to just go away, and the sooner she realizes this, maybe the sooner you will start regulating.
I'm not suggesting you do what I did. I'm only sharing with you the steps I took that started the ball rolling toward my recovery. I introduced real consequences and her reaction to it was what helped me to start healing and dealing with what had happened. It worked in my case partly due to her really not wanting to lose her husband, and partly because she knew I wasn't just bluffing. I was resigned to my marriage being over and I meant it. If you go that route you need to be ready for the chance that she'll call you on it. You don't want to pull the divorce card unless you're prepared to go through with it. Backpedaling could blow up in your face.
From my experience, and from the many stories I've read here, sometimes to save a marriage and your dignity you have to he willing to let it go.
How has your wife been since you made the discovery? Is she contrite? Remorseful? Willing to do whatever it takes? Or just upset she got caught and blaming you, the marriage, or some other external influence even if it's only partial blame? Does she take full accountability?
*ETA: At the end of the day you are responsible for your own recovery. She can't fix you or heal you, but she can participate and facilitate, or she can make things harder. But at the end of the day you have to figure out what exactly you want, set some boundaries, and follow through with them. Ultimately you can recover from this with or without her, even if that ends up in divorce. I don't want to give you the impression your recovery hinges entirely on her. If it comes down to it, you can do this on your own, but she can be either a positive or negative influence on how it goes, and you don't have to put up with negative influence.
[This message edited by Pogre at 5:16 PM, Saturday, August 29th]
