SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My hubby and I are in the process of reconciliation, D day was 30 July when he found out I have been texting another man on and off for a few years. It's been a tough few months but we are making progress I believe, he has been incredibly calm throughout it all and has shown me kindness and I'm hopeful we can eventually reconcile.

But I'm really struggling with something and I'm not sure if I'm just reading too much into it and if I should say something.. I've got access to my husbands phone and I've noticed there are texts between him and a female ex colleague he use to work with a few years back. Every few months he gets together with the old gang from his previous job, including this woman. Now I have no idea if they have always texted eachother, because I just checked his phone during the last 2 weeks and have seen the msges.

They are completely friendly, nothing suspicious but I see it's daily and he has her on mute and he always deletes the msgs. I don't think he knows I have access to his phone.

It's just because of where we are at the moment in our lives that I'm feeling so insecure and jealous:( I don't know if I should just ask him about it??

Thanks for your advice.

My 2¢: First of all, why are you checking your H’s phone for his texts? I don’t mean to make you feel accused of doing anything wrong, but your answer may be telling as to whether there is, in fact, a problem with your H having the contact you’ve described. I bet your intuition is a better guide than you’re crediting it with being.

Second, I think I’d be tempted to invite myself—last minute—on one of these get togethers "with the old gang from his previous job, including this woman." I bet you can tell a whole lot more about the temperature of that relationship in person than you can by directly confronting your H.

Lastly, another option would be to ensure your name is added to your phone plan (if it’s not already on it) because I think that would give you access through the phone company to know what phone numbers your husband is texting—and then ask your H to go a month without texting this woman. You can make the request as a "please" and an "I’m probably just being paranoid, but I’d feel better if…" How much your H pushes back on the request would probably be illuminating—and then his compliance or noncompliance with your request (verifiable through the phone company) would probably speak volumes about whether there is just cause for further concern on your part.

I don’t think I would out and out ask my spouse directly about a situation like this because I bet every single one of us can predict—accurately—what a spouse’s reaction to such an inquiry would be, irrespective of whether the spouse is guilty or innocent!

[This message edited by Unconventional at 1:25 PM, Wednesday, October 14th]

I think that is extremely suspicious- especially having her on mute. That means he doesn’t want notifications to in in events up or be seen. And the fact he is deleting all the texts is also suspicious.

I would maybe see if you can collect more info. Can you retrieve texts from cell phone company? I would probably see if I could gather any further evidence and then confront.

Coming at this from the BS perspective, I think complete honesty is absolutely essential here, and that applies to both partners, regardless of who originally betrayed whom.

If the two of you have agreed to attempt reconciliation, then unless something has been explicitly stated otherwise, there is an understanding that you are both committed to an honest, open, and monogamous relationship. That doesn't mean he has forgiven you, that he has decided to stay, or even that he won't ultimately decide to leave. He has every right to make that decision, and unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to control it. But while he is participating in R, I believe he has an obligation to be honest about what he is doing and where he stands.

Muting the conversation and repeatedly deleting messages certainly raises questions. Speaking as someone whose reality was turned upside down by secrecy, I don't believe secrecy suddenly becomes acceptable because the person engaging in it was the one originally betrayed.

Your infidelity was your responsibility, and nothing he does now changes that. But his choices are still his responsibility. Being a BS doesn't give us a free pass to engage in behaviour that would otherwise violate the boundaries of our relationship. We can be deeply hurt, angry, confused, and uncertain about whether we want to stay, but those feelings don't eliminate our responsibility to act with integrity.

Personally, I wouldn't play detective or try to trap him. I would have an honest conversation about what you've seen, acknowledge your own insecurities and the damage you've caused, and ask him directly what this relationship means to him right now. He may be struggling with feelings he hasn't shared, or there may be a completely innocent explanation. Either way, you deserve an honest answer, just as he deserved honesty from you.

One thing I've learned through my own experience is that reconciliation cannot survive selective honesty. It has to apply equally, even when the circumstances and the responsibility for the original betrayal are vastly different. I too have had the urge to find solace with another since this began but I have not done so for the simple fact that I need to still live by my standards and honour.

Honesty is the best disinfectant. And if you're genuinely trying to rebuild something together, neither of you should be creating new secrets while trying to heal from the old ones.

I’m not sure I agree with the idea of confronting him just yet. I’m treating this like you’re posting on JFO…

Yes, you were wayward, but you’re reconciling, and waywards can be betrayed as well. So you don’t need to sit back and take it - two wrongs don’t make a right.

I don’t like the idea of confronting without real evidence. That has almost never once in recorded history prompted a confession. And if you do that, you will no longer have access to his texts. If he is having some kind of A, you will only have taught him how to hide it better.

Because I’m like this, I am suspicious of these get togethers with old colleagues. Every couple of months? I’ve been in the workforce for close to 30 years, and made many great friends along the way, and some I keep in touch with - but I don’t have any that I see that often. Do you have proof that other people besides this woman are attending?

Daily texting is a lot. That’s a close relationship no matter what. Did you know they were that close? Can you bring her up without revealing the texts? To reiterate what everyone else had said, there’s really no honest reason for him to be deleting texts. I assume he hasn’t muted his notifications globally, just with her. You are definitely not reading too much into it.

If you’re going to have the convo Gemmy suggested, don’t mention the texts. Think of some other way to bring her up. One idea: read the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. If you haven’t already, as part of your affair recovery process, tell him you’d like to read it together, or listen to it on tape together. You can use that as a starting point to ask some questions.

There are lots of other ways to try to gather evidence, and you probably need to employ those. Let us know if you want to hear some suggestions.

I agree there isn't enough to go on right now and confronting now will just tip him off and drive it further underground if there's anything there.

It's suspicious enough that I'd want to quietly investigate more without alerting him if possible.

I would investigate/ Especially in light of two things:

1. He has just learned of your affair. If he is having an inappropriate relationship with another person and finding out you also have done that, hasn’t disclosed he is holding a strange power dynamic. It means he has no real intention of confessing. Just because someone has been betrayed doesn’t mean they are an honest person.

2. People who cheat sometimes project behaviors they have on their spouses. Asking about it in the case he is innocent would be maybe looking like you are trying to deflect blame.

The behavior is suspicious enough to warrant some further looking into but I would not draw conclusions either way yet.