"It meant nothing and has nothing to do with you"
We've been talking a lot which has been really good and helpful. Things seem to be going well even though we have tough conversations. I tend to do most of the listening - he has been talking a lot about his depression, the mistakes he's made, and the people he has hurt.
My WS talks about how the sex with others meant nothing to him and had nothing to do with me. I can understand that because he was cheating with sex apps (you can't get more meaningless) although he did see one woman for four months and one for two months. He says that sex with me is different and means a lot more. I can understand this too. He says that he has never stopped loving me and that this came about through his depression and childhood abuse (all types). His depression got worse after his job loss and the childhood trauma has returned because there are legal proceedings to protect children from his abusers and he has been subpoenaed (spelling?). This is also bringing up memories from his childhood.
What I'm having trouble with is if it meant nothing to him, then why did he keep doing it? Escape from reality? More stress is coming - will he cheat again? He says the cheating means more to me than him. Do they all feel that way? Also, how can it not have anything to do with me? Did he not think of me at all during all of this? Wasn't the lying and sneaking part of the thrill? He said he never meant to hurt me - he never thought he'd get caught.
Sometimes, I say that I thought he was just depressed. It didn't even cross my mind that he was cheating (until I caught him of course). He doesn't like that I say "just depressed" because he feels the cheating was part of the depression and made him feel worse. I don't say "just depressed" anymore, but I feel you can be depressed without cheating. I thought he was just sitting around the house very depressed. I was talking with my parents about hospitalizing him because I was so worried. I had no idea he had this other life in this world I didn't even know existed.
I don't know if any of this makes any sense.
Other things...
He has been making an effort with our kids which is something we've talked about. He detached from our marriage, and he also detached from our kids. He is dealing is "Look who's being a father now" and "did grandpa die? Then, why are you calling?" But he shrugs it off and keeps going which I am happy about. He is now up to date with what is going on in their lives which is nice. I
4 comments posted: Friday, May 29th, 2026
How long did it take you to eat, sleep, and stop crying?
I'm too sickened to eat and sleep. Can't stop crying. How long did it take you to at least get to that point?
12 comments posted: Thursday, May 7th, 2026
Shocked and Shattered
My name says it all. I am shocked and shattered. I have been with my husband for 32 years. Since we were teenagers. I caught him cheating and found out that he has been cheating on me for three years. Three years!!! How could I be so stupid?
He was my best friend, my everything. And he's been lying and cheating for years. I'm stunned... He ruined everything we built together, ruined my life, our marriage, and a piece of our kids' lives.
He had lost his job. He was working out for four hours a day and then he was supposed to be looking for jobs and trying to start a business. Turns out, he was on a bunch of sex apps and having sex with random people for years. All of them were one time, except in the last six months. He was repeatedly having sex with a woman for four months until she broke it off to work on her marriage (she was also cheating). Then he decided he wanted to have only one other sex partner and found a woman online who also wanted to cheat on her husband like that. Guess what? He was also having unprotected sex with me the whole time!!!
He told me we were dipping into savings every month. So, I kept taking on more and more work. He was spending thousands on STD testing, hotel rooms, flowers for others, candles, lube, etc. He did nicer things for strangers than he did for me. I can't understand why. I was doing everything...working, taking care of the kids, cleaning, and he just checked out and did whatever he wanted.
I asked why a million times. First, it was that he married too young and wanted to experiment sexually, that our sex life changed after our first kid was born (really???). After hours of talking, I found out more. I knew he had been abused in every way as a child. He told me that the sexual abuse was more than he had shared and that he was acting out his abuse over and over. That it left him emptier, and he wanted to kill himself. I feel terrible and sick... But he could have talked to me. A therapist. He didn't have to have sex with tons of women.
He says he wants to stay married. That our lives can be the same. But it can never be the same. I can never trust anyone again. I can't get over the lies. The years of lies. And my stupidity. Right now, we aren't telling anyone. My daughter's graduation is coming up. I'm not ready to talk to people I know. No one will understand.
We are talking. Hours and hours of talking. He is getting me flowers and gifts. He's helping around the house. He is talking with the kids (he acted/hinted for years that the kids are annoying obligations) and making efforts. Big efforts and changes.
I don't know what to do. Advice from people who have been in my place is hugely appreciated. This stupid girl needs to get smart fast! Thank you!
10 comments posted: Saturday, May 2nd, 2026
