SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thank you for the posts. I have read them carefully. I've avoided this for due to TMI, but here is something that strikes at the heart of the issue...

My wife is a timid person. She is IMMENSLEY talented, but gets walked all over. She is a remarkable piano player (even had a piano tape out when cassettes were the thing). She has authored 72 books (all but 2 under contract in the education industry). But she gets passed over repeatedly for passion projects and piano gigs as she just cannot stand up for herself. Her Achilles heel is a craving for validation. Making things worse, her first husband (I'm #2) was very abusive, and she fled with no money. Between marriages if a guy gave her validating flattery she would fall for him for just that reason. Now she's going to a famous hotel with many somewhat older artists in residence and she has a very vulnerable person. Very. Easy to take advantage of.

About a week ago we had it out. A very frank discussion and I laid my cards out and insisted on a response. She tells me not to worry, but she also makes it clear that if a fellow artist wants to take her dinner or lunches, she's not going to say 'no' and tells me not to worry about it. After losing the love of my youth I have terrible trust anxiety issues.

So it's going to be a long week. She leaves tomorrow. I like to think she will be honest with me if she falls.

Please continue to post here during the week of her trip. We will do our best to support you.

I can only imagine the stress and anxiety you will suffer with this week (and hoping forward).

I'm sorry you are in this situation, I think I know what's having a high likelihood to happen. I am familiar with the traits your wife displays, because my wife has those and it was not only one betrayal.

If we were in your shoes, and she'd refused to allow me to check in, there would be a empty home at her return, just the divorce papers.

But that's me.

Spot on BackfromtheStorm.

This craving for validation concerns me. That was the whole basis for my H’s affairs. Fortunately he recognized his poor choices but for 30 years he needed that ego boost.

I’m not saying he had constant affairs or anything like that. What I am saying is I am lucky it wasn’t worse AND that when I finally stood up for myself he learned a very hard lesson.

And either he changed or I would have divorced him.

I dont have anything to add that hasn’t already been posted about. I just hate that you’re in this position.

I'm sorry honey, but you're making a mistake. I'm telling you that bluntly. It's like leaving an alcoholic to mind the liquor store for a few days. Hey, I won't touch it - we talked about it!!! You know your wife has vulnerability issues, she has a weakness, maybe not specifically for cheating or sex, but things that could lead up to that. So instead of helping her and protecting her FROM HER WEAKNESS, you're setting her up with an opportunity for failure. If she fails and gets involved with somebody, whoever, part of that is gonna be your fault because you're letting it happen. I know we can't be there all the time, and people have to strengthen themselves, but this is NOT the way to do it, and this is NOT the opportunity. You've setting her up to fail. You should be there to support her and help her to prevent anything and to grow. This is not some small thing like learning to ride a bike, whoops, I fell off. If she falls into some pitfall because of some guys' validation....your marriage is at stake. People often don't come back from infidelity, not fully. We kid ourselves and many people do...but we don't often come back from it.

Don't take this risk. Go with her, show up, be there, even for a portion, but BE A PRESENCE THERE. Considering what you've told us, this is too big a risk, and I think most of us know how this is gonna turn out. I think you're being way too optimistic. I wouldn't leave my husband alone with some sexy trollop which might be the equivalent, and tell myself....oh, he's got the will power. The hell he does. People are weak, be wise, put up the guard rails even if she objects.....later she will thank you.

Day 1 in the books. She has a full suite with a soaking tub.... Quite the place. At dinner one of the other 'artists' was sitting at the table beside her and they chatted for some time. Aside from that she has been writing in some lounge area. The food is great and that's all I know.

BondJaneBond, I get what you're saying but I feel the need to make every effort to trust her. She deserves that. And a lot of it is my damn trust issues and then I start thinking worst case scenarios... I told her tonight my desire to come out there and she seems to be softening up to the idea. Maybe for dinner Sunday night.

It's so hard to love someone, know their vulnerabilities and see them in a near perfect storm and just hope it goes smoothly.

Also, I'm becoming a lot more observant with all this and I noticed she took a new journal. I'm pretty certain she may have a trip diary. If so, if I feel the need to be a schmuck, I can find it and read it when she gets back. This just makes me loathe myself.

Having my first wife run off with a friend when I thought we had a solid marriage just never seems to leave me. Infidelity is just so cruel.

Well, early to bed with a gnawing stomach. 7AM meeting tomorrow.

thatbpguy, I totally understand why you're feeling gnawing anxiety. Your wife isn't doing enough to support you, which is exactly her role in this situation given your past. She is behaving in a selfish way, especially considering the prior near-EA and the flirty emails ('little verb' is totally inappropriate).

You say she deserves your trust, but according to your history with her, she has crossed the line before (whether she admits it or not), and she is vulnerable to flattery and validation. It sounds like she's earned your suspicion, not your trust. Don't put too much blame on the trauma with your ex-wife: yes, all of us BSes are more likely to jump at shadows, but in this case, I think there is something dangerous lurking in the dark.

Remember that your gut goes off when your subconscious is putting pieces together that your conscious brain hasn't yet processed. Something is "off" about her behavior. Trust your instincts.

I get what you're saying but I feel the need to make every effort to trust her. She deserves that.

No this is a mistake that will lead to ruin again.

Trust is Earned, never Given

You gave her trust because of love, that is what earned it the first time.
She Betrayed you, she betrayed your trust.

You should never give it again, she must earn it, because she fell from grace not you.

NoThanksForTheMemories, when you say "your wife isn't doing enough to support you, which is exactly her role in this situation given your past. She is behaving in a selfish way, especially considering the prior near-EA and the flirty emails ('little verb' is totally inappropriate).", you are spot on. She simply doesn't understand certain margins & boundaries. And I can't seem to get it across to her.

BackfromtheStorm, YES, trust is indeed earned. Isn't it odd that I can say that to other people and then when having my own issues I just forget this advice.

Let’s assume she comes home after this and nothing inappropriate happened.

I think it would be a terrible waste to have gone thought all this with no end result. I would strongly recommend you have a serious talk with your wife along these lines:

For both of you this is a second marriage. Both previous ended in traumatic circumstances.
You both have scars from the past. You are scarred with trust issues due to your former wife having an affair. She is scarred from an abusive marriage.
You both need validation. Your past might make it hard to accept validation from your spouse. After all – one cheated and the other was abusive.
Neither of you is the ex. Your (now) wife isn’t the one that cheated on you, you aren’t the one that abused her.
Her reluctance to have you with her caused you severe insecurities. It forced you to deal with issues that might be rooted in your past.
You both need healing. Maybe MC would be a good thing for you two to simply BOTH understand the special dynamics of your relationship – impacted by your past experiences.

I think one of the biggest problems here is lack of communication and it should in theory be the easiest to solve. I could understand something like "I'm there to focus 100% on work and having you anywhere near me has distracted me in the past". Unless I missed something, you still didn't get any reasoning from her?

I think where I have the biggest problem with this is, you were cheated on in your past marriage, and so was she. I would think there would be more "reenforcement" of the relationship and more openness coming from her, because she damn well knows, personally what that does to a person. I hope I’m getting my thought out correctly.

For example. My current partner, I ended my marriage because of my exs infidelity. My partners marriage ended for a reason other than infidelity, although it was just as traumatic an ending as mine. In our case, I have always made it a point to show and reassure her that kind of behavior isn’t going to come from me. And I’ve consistently done that for almost 20 years now.
From her side, even though I never asked for it, never made any kind of mention or hint, the day she moved in, she presented me a list of accounts and passwords of hers. Just so I’d maybe feel better I guess. I don’t have any feelings like I needed them, she just wanted to present proof of her understanding.

That’s how two people, who previously had shitty marriages support and reassure each other.

This is when my h would cheat. Could have been once, or more. I don’t know and will never know because he admitted and we moved on. He does need attention and validation. I have been to some of his meetings/seminars and witness how very good he is at being smooth. Here is what I know. Those are places where "what happens at this meeting stays at this meeting" vibes. My own job has required tons of out of town meetings and I never put myself in a place where I would be available. I don’t think cheating is in my DNA.
Also be honest with yourself. If she is currently eyeing a co-attendant she might trade sex for attention. Men want sex and a willing partner out of town could be all it would take.
If she is willing for you to go for a night do it.
I hope you have an IC to help with what sounds like PTSD.

Duplicate

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 7:32 PM, Tuesday, March 3rd]

Pbguy

The need for validation and approval, possibly people pleasing too, while allowing herself to dine with male colleagues is too many red flags.

That she had many relationships between marriages and was easy, if I read what you wrote correctly, is a bigger one. She may still have a desire for variety.

Did you notice what you felt were small line crossings during your time with your W that built up?

Also, I'm becoming a lot more observant with all this and I noticed she took a new journal. I'm pretty certain she may have a trip diary. If so, if I feel the need to be a schmuck, I can find it and read it when she gets back. This just makes me loathe myself.

In your situation, finding it, and finding nothing incriminating might allow you to rebuild some trust in her. However, I think it's more likely that you will find something. Either way why would that make you loathe yourself. She knows your past and current concerns. To flat out demand you not attend in light of that doesn't leave you many options to reassure yourself.

Several messages back you posted that you again asked to join her and she may be softening up to the idea. What is that? Pardon my bluntness but that comes across as begging on your part for her attention which shifts the Power Balance in the relationship totally to her.

I'm going to assume your wife is assuming you are suspicious and she would be incredibly foolish to record infidelities or bad acts in a book that you could possibly find so your plan to read her diary or Journal, I don't see how that will help. Let's say you do find it and there's nothing, will that make you comfortable in the relationship again?

Now if she is foolish enough to record transgressions and you find it then what? What are you prepared to do with it?

I’m wondering how happy you will be after this week is over and she returns home.

It doesn’t matter what she says — you have no trust and confidence in her. Whether she cheats or doesn’t— you will always wonder.

I’m not looking to bash your wife, and I’m not a cheater so I would never engage in certain behaviors that go along with carrying on an affair.

But I can tell you that I would not have a warm loving feeling towards anyone after what you just endured. It would be very hard for me to have things "return to the way they were" between you two.

This week is really the least of your problems. And I feel so sorry for you that you are in this position. Her return home just marks the start of a long road to recovery, if in fact she’s even willing to be honest and talk about this conference honestly.

I’m wondering how happy you will be after this week is over and she returns home.

It doesn’t matter what she says — you have no trust and confidence in her. Whether she cheats or doesn’t— you will always wonder.

I’m not looking to bash your wife, and I’m not a cheater so I would never engage in certain behaviors that go along with carrying on an affair.

But I can tell you that I would not have a warm loving feeling towards anyone after what you just endured. It would be very hard for me to have things "return to the way they were" between you two.

This week is really the least of your problems. And I feel so sorry for you that you are in this position. Her return home just marks the start of a long road to recovery, if in fact she’s even willing to be honest and talk about this conference honestly.

Wife already expressed exactly how I feel about it too.

I would recommend, if she is still important for you, if you want your bond to survive this, talk to her, openly.

Don't do espionage stuff, talk to her.
One Infidelity is enough, do not add more suspicion to your life.

Is bad