SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey guys

I hope everybody is well. After some deliberation (and one too many visits to Chat GPT without feeling the human response) I have decided to share an episode of heavily suspected infidelity (or willingness to explore infidelity) via this forum.

I will appreciate any constructive feedback, your thoughts on the situation and any advice in recovering and rebuilding self worth.

I will try and be as succint as possible. Two years ago I started dating a girl. It became clear to me she was still frequenting an adult dating website and I explained if she was serious about this relationship she would need to leave as I wanted exclusivity. She agreed, however, the very next day created a hollow profile and continued to log in for around 8 months before this escalated to a full profile with a topless photo (face obscured) and a bio which read 'cant seem to keep away. Been here before and had some amazing times with great guys, maybe its time to start looking again'. I am not proud to admit the following but the reason she was discovered on this site was because I felt she wouldn't leave and intermittently monitored this situation.

In the intervening 8 months from alleged activity on the site having stopped and a profile being fully rendered I asked her if she missed the site, needed what it offered and was told repeatedly she didnt. In fact all messages between us and interactions were great and loving and she would continually assure me she was loyal etc when we had this conversation.

When confronted about being on the site with some very clear signalling to others and an apparent willingness to cheat she informed me it was sabotage and she was so happy with me and she didnt know how to process happiness but had no intention to do anything with anybody and merely used the site for the forums and knew I would invariably see her on the site with the pic and immediately block her. However when confronted she fought hard and has pleaded her justification every time we have spoke and to me (knowing this woman as I know her) is gaslighting and some strange form of minimisation and manipulation of events.

I have struggled with horrific self worth since (approx 18 months now since discovery) and have lost the ability to not only trust others but my own judgment, reinforced by my lack of enforcing boundaries by not ending it. I asked her to sit with me to prove no interactions or messages too place with the caveat of logging in with me and not in isolation alone yet she did which only fuels further speculation the account needing cleansing before her details could be shared.

I dont think I can handle the ongoing impact of this any longer and I am seriously considering ending it. What do you guys think? Its a messy situation and I have handled so much of this incorrectly and know I need to work on myself quite heavily moving forward but your thoughts on her intentions and subsequent 'explanation'

Thanking you in advance for any responses

You’re not married and you don’t have kids. She’s been cheating your entire relationship. She created the profile the day after she agreed not to? She’s lying about not meeting guys on there. She refuses to do the barest minimum to prove she’s innocent (because she can’t).

I think her explanation sounds like BS. I think the most likely explanation is that she just likes meeting guys on Tinder and hooking up. Self-sabotage? Because she "knew" she’d get caught? GTFOH.

Run. Run to the clinic and get tested for STDs. While you’re in the waiting room, block her on everything.

You deserve better. When you finally find yourself in a healthy relationship you will shake your head in amazement that you went through all this for her.

I think it's time to work on that "horrific self worth," TwinPeaks. Are you seeing a therapist/counselor? I would start there. When you value and respect yourself, you make decisions to protect your heart and mental health. I'm leaning towards what Letmebefrank said, where your partner doesn't sound like she's willing to change, but if you're still unsure and work on repairing your self worth, I think you'll gain some clarity on the situation.

The first thing you need to accept is this is who she is. This is what she does. It is very puzzling how sick people rope us in. There is something she does that keeps you hooked. We all think we have autonomy but we often don’t. You gave away your sense of self because she is a master at manipulation. You keep trying to make what she is doing somewhat benign, but it is malignant. You are not going to ever have a peaceful life as long as she is in it.
I suggest you look at a conversation with Kevin Franke and a podcast host. She asked him how his wife and their "therapist" got him to go along with moving out leaving his children at the mercy of the two women. He was not prepared for the cruel manipulation they pulled on him even though he has a PhD. I have a degree in Sociology and studied psychology with an interest in personality disorders. These people are impossible to live with and people like you turn up for IC trying to figure out what the heck is going on. I have no idea if your ws has a PD but whatever is going on is slowly driving you crazy. It’s time to bail. Btw, even though I know this stuff I was pulled into a friendship that had me asking my husband if I was losing my mind. His answer was perfect. He told me to consider the source. Best thing I did was never answer the phone when she rang. Life got peaceful.

GottheMorbs hit it on the head. Work on your self-worth, and the clarity will come.

Also, ask yourself this: Does she make me feel safe? Why would I want to stay with someone who keeps me in a state of (hyper)vigilance?

Depends on what you define as 'infidelity'. You say she agreed to get off dating sites but she continued to keep a profile open. That looks like a betrayal of her word, so I'd consider that infidelity. Why are you still with your GF?

You describe, in essence, using an ultimatum to get your GF into exclusivity. Is that what happened? If so, you are trying to control your GF. That's your problem, and I think it's a big one, since you can control only yourself.

Your self-esteem is a big problem, too. IMO, no amount of love from your GF can fix your self-esteem. You're the only one who can solve that problem.

I agree: find a good IC and do your work.

Firstly I just want to thank everybody who has responded. What the consensus appears to be in regard to this situation is what I have been telling myself for some time now in relation to both her account of events and my own frailties around self-esteem. A big recurring theme throughout responses is a need to do the work and build that self-esteem which is going to be pivotal in fostering healthy relationships in the future.

In response to some questions that have been asked. When I ask myself whether she makes me feel safe its a resounding no yet I have found myself struggling with the ability to make a clean break though I am increasingly recognising the impact on my mental and physical health by staying in this dynamic.

In response to my thoughts on whether it constituted an ultimatum by requesting she leave dating sites I suppose in a sense it was i.e I am looking for exclusivity in this relationship and as such will require you to leave the dating sites if you are serious about us but did frame it as a choice originally.

When relationships don’t work it doesn’t have to be a fault in you, or even a fault in the other person. Sometimes it’s just because things don’t work out.

We all have predefined expectations in relationships. Some are based on social norms, like it’s assumed that a couple that has been dating become exclusive. Some might be more personal, like I have cat-allergy, so no cats would be a non-social-norm requirement from me.

I guess it would kill all romance if a person you planned to date had to fill out a 50-item questionnaire on agreed upon expectations. In many way’s that’s what dating is about – it’s about discovering compatibility. If things develop you might start cohabiting and again compatibilities and expectations are discovered. I guess in most instances this suffices, but it’s clear that in your instance the expectations are not aligned.

Sometimes that’s what leads either one to the "sorry, it’s not you it’s me" scenario with the wailing and tears and the friends comforting you both with the phrases like "I knew he was a bastard/she was a bitch" and "he/she was never right for you".

One thing that might help you two as a couple is to talk openly and frankly about your expectations and how you want things to work out. Basically, have a formal "meeting" by the kitchen-table where you enter and list expectations.
For example; you expect monogamy. That would be an expectation. She might not be willing to commit to that. She could offer an alternative – sort of like offering me a lifetime supply of anti allergy pills. She could suggest an open relationship, polyamory, that she could date online but not in person… whatever expectation SHE has to a relationship. This isn’t the time nor place to accept her offers or force her to accept your restrictions. This is plain old discovery.
You might go down the list; you expect complete financial separation, she expects joint finances; you want kids, she doesn’t; you want to travel and she does too…

Eventually you are left with a list of where you are compatible and have joint or comparable views, and where there might be some major differences. You can then evaluate the major gaps. Some might be acceptable, some manageable, some negotiable. But if there are any major differences that you can’t work out… then maybe you simply aren’t compatible. Not because of a fault in her, nor a fault in you. Maybe she is one of those that want open relationships, and you aren’t.
Just like I’m a dog-person that wouldn’t be compatible with a cat-lady.

TwinPeaks

Actions speak louder than words and it appears that what she says and what she does are two different things. She appears to have no respect for you and is manipulating you because there are no consequences to her dishonesty. Life is short and you can do better than her. She has issues that you cannot fix, it's on her. You're not married, so move on from her and find someone who respects and appreciates you. Take care of yourself and get tested for STD's

Lost1313

When I ask myself whether she makes me feel safe its a resounding no

TwinPeaks I think that sentence probably tells you more truth than all the explanations justifications or circular conversations ever could.

One thing betrayal does is trap people into over-analysing intentions whilst ignoring impact whether she physically met anyone or whether part of it was "self sabotage" almost becomes secondary when the actual outcome for you has been hypervigilance, loss of self trust anxiety and diminished self worth for 18 months.

Actions speak louder than words

Lost1313 said something simple but important because what seems to be damaging you most is the gap between what was repeatedly said ("I am loyal", "I do not need the site") and what was repeatedly done and also gently asking for exclusivity in a committed relationship is not some unreasonable controlling demand - that is a very normal relationship boundary. I think your instincts have probably been trying to protect you for a long time whilst your self esteem kept trying to negotiate with what you already knew deep down.

I'd say the problem is that you haven't issued an ultimatum. You'd like her to choose exclusivity with you, but she wants to date.

You've got a number of choices, but you're making the wishy-washiest choice available. She won't give you what you want. Instead of leaving, and instead of speaking up for what you want, you're hanging on hoping she'll change and complaining - apparently to yourself.

My reco, in addition to therapy, is to change your relationship: either end it, because it doesn't serve you, or get comfortable with your GF's desire to be non-exclusive. If she's not ready to commit, she's not ready.

But accept that you're in this relationship and this angst because you choose to be. She betrayed you, and you've accepted her betrayal. The betrayal is on her, but taking her back without requiring change is on you. But she gets to choose to change or not; you can't control her. What you can do is respond to her - if she changes, great - you go on together for a while. If she doesn't change, great - you split.

You're free to go. You're free to stickaround in the hope that she'll decide to stop wanting to date anyone but you. You're free to beat yourself up for staying, but life for both of you will be better if you stop doing that.

I know it's harder to take advice like this than to give it.

In my own case, I wanted exclusivity with my W2b for months before actually making my desire explicit. The months of wanting and being afraid she didn't were agony. I persisted and got what I wanted. A few years earlier, though, I persisted and got dumped. My self-esteem was very low all through that period.

As Bigger wrote, lots of relationships just don't workout, and it's no one's fault. But I'd add that each partner is responsible for themself, and they have to act in their own self-interest. Each partner needs to do their best - and absolutely not try to control the outcome.